Why Can't The Olympics Be Sexy, Dammit?

“It’s not simply that so many of us are uncomfortable about sexuality.  It’s the relationship that individuals and the culture have with that discomfort.  The discomfort does not get discussed honestly, nor do most people feel in any way obligated to resolve these feelings.  Instead, the discomfort is considered normal and fixed, and the objects of discomfort – sexual words, music, art, and expression-are the things considered expendable.”   Marty Klein, PhD.

 

The debate about pole dancing in the Olympics is a fiery one, and I’m not done talking about it!  For those of you who read my responses on www.expressthesensual.com and The Pole Story’s Facebook page, this might be a tad redundant, so I apologize.  Onward.

 

I wrote my thesis for my MA in psychology on how erotic dance can help women to reconnect with their sexuality, and I focused on pole dancing, specifically. The argument I make is that pole dancing provides a therapeutic context in which women can heal from any wounding (individual or collective) surrounding their sexuality.  This wounding can be something as simple as needing to learn how to let go of exercising our masculine side and allowing the feminine to come forward.  For example, many women have gotten used to behaving in a very masculine way, i.e. directional, goal-oriented, and assertive in order to accomplish certain things in life.  There is nothing inherently wrong with this and many women have achieved quite a bit by doing so.  However, a possible pitfall to over-exercising the masculine is that a woman loses touch with or forgets how to live in the more receptive, more feminine side.  Many women I know in high powered, stressful jobs find that their pole dance classes help them not just to relax, but to feel “like a woman again”.  Other women who study different forms of sensual dance, such as belly dancing, have echoed this sentiment.  In an article in the March 22, 2009 issue of Washington Post Magazine a woman named Rachael Galoob was interviewed about her local belly dance studio.  Galoob is a former attorney with two law degrees who decided to leave her law career in order to perform and teach.  Her students tend to be well-educated professionals in high-powered jobs.  Many of them come to belly dance classes in order to reconnect with their feminine side.  They claim this sensual movement reduces their stress levels by forcing them to focus on their body and their movement and that it helps them to feel more beautiful.

 

According to my research and studies, what makes pole dancing so healing isn’t the pole tricks as much as it is the experience of moving sensually and slowly and the feeling that creates in your body. So a concern I have about turning pole dancing into an Olympic sport is that it takes away the healing potential of this movement.  That’s not to say that there wouldn’t be room for other types of pole dancing to exist.  Indeed, none of the groups pushing for pole dancing to join the Olympics are saying that this should be the only form of pole available to the public.  But I think what is being argued here, among other things, is how do we mainstream pole dancing?  What is going to be the primary way in which the rest of the general public engages with this art form?  And perhaps part of the reason why some dancers are against having pole dancing in the Olympics is because it would inevitably make that particular form of pole dancing or pole fitness, the most common or the most publicly viewed.  And many dancers feel that a fitness based gymnastics form of pole dance is not representative, perhaps, of the art and the soul, and the history of pole dancing. 

 

If we think about why we enjoy watching gymnastics or dance, we find that there is actually a great deal of overlap.  We admire the strength, the precision, the grace and the flexibility expressed in the bodies we are watching.  However, dance differs from gymnastics in a few very important ways.  Dance is designed to evoke a narrative - specific emotions, conflicts and insights – and a dancer who succeeds in achieving these things has turned her body into something communicative.  Because of this, she frequently creates an emotional reaction in her audience.  This emotional narrative does not exist in gymnastics, nor are gymnastics designed to evoke an emotional response in its onlookers.  Moreover, pole dancing is not about recreating a purity of form in the way that other forms of dance, such as ballet, are.  While there are certain moves and tricks that can be “standardized” one of the beautiful things about pole dancing is that it is, more often than not, “an execution of clear and concise movements and gestures that are expressive of inner states unique to the particular performer, to the passing mood, even to the fleeting instant” (Juhan, 255-56).  Part of what makes pole dancing so thrilling to watch is the inventiveness and spontaneity of the dancers, and how intensely personal their movements are.  So the difference in style between someone who approaches pole dancing as a gymnastics-based movement versus someone who approaches it as a dance-based movement is actually quite substantial.  No wonder it is such a charged subject!

 

I think, as women, know in our bodies and in our hearts and souls what this movement does for us. We know subjectively (subjective knowing being a more feminine way of knowing something – based on intuition and a felt body sense) that this movement has touched us, shaped us, woken us up, ignited fires and yes, changed our psyches. In my humble opinion, the way in which some of the community is seeking to “legitimize” pole dancing feels threatening not just because it approaches the movement in a way that feels unfamiliar (to me, personally), but because it is basically saying to those of us that already know what we feel in our bodies, “Well, that’s not good enough.” Not only are the more feminine, empowering parts of this dance at risk of being lost, but also we are, on some level, being told the very experience each of us has in our bodies is not a “legitimate” enough source of information. And I think that is deeply hurtful to the feminine – whose primary power and source of knowledge is the sensate, the body. It is a larger symptom of our culture’s dismissal and critique of the body as a source of knowledge. Trying to turn pole dancing into an Olympic sport if you are in it for the art form, for the sensual aspects, for the engagement with that deeply feminine part of yourself, is in some ways, taking a very feminine experience and forcing it into the more masculine, objective world of measurements, restrictions, linear direction and goals.  When we de this, we lose the flavor, the power, and the feminine essence of the movement.  This concerns me not because I think that pole dancing will become vertical gymnastics only, but because vertical gymnastics will become “the standard” of pole dancing.  Instead of allowing a woman’s natural sensuality and sexiness to unfold on stage, we will ask her to present a sanitized version of what was once a deeply sexual movement.  Instead of asking our country to look at it’s own deeply imbedded cultural biases and fears around female sexuality, we will give them something that makes them feel comfortable and allows those prejudices to go unexamined.  Women who continue to infuse their dancing with sexual movement and sensuality will continue to be looked down upon as “whores”.  Nothing will have changed.

 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  As pole dancers, we have a very real opportunity to shift the way the public views female sexuality.  It’s not going to be easy, and there is no guarantee of success, but in my opinion, it’s deeply important for women everywhere.

To that end, this push for the Olympics has done something positive by thrusting pole dancing into the public spotlight. Erotic dance is an excellent mirror for our culture’s sex phobia, and this Olympic debate is forcing people’s prejudices, fears and beliefs into plain view. This is good because, ideally, it allows these beliefs to be examined, instead of festering in the unspoken unconscious somewhere.  So, in some ways, this change has already begun.  But much remains ahead of us.  It is my personal hope that, no matter where it ends up, pole dancing is able to retain its erotic, sensual, striptease roots.

 

For more on this topic, please go to www.expressthesensual.com

EXTRA EXTRA!

The Pole Story will be guest blogging at www.badkittyexoticwear.com!  

The first post is up now!

Also see Claire's interview for The Pole Story at www.poleskivvies.com!

An Olympic Sized Debate

MSNBC recently posted an article in their “Weird News” section about the possibility of Pole Dancing becoming an Olympic sport.  There have subsequently been a number of other news sites, blogs, and websites that have reposted this article and it has generated quite a buzz.  The article was interesting enough, but the comments were what really fascinated me.  After having read hundreds of comments on dozens of different websites (and commenting a bit myself) I think the public’s reaction to pole dancing becoming an Olympic Sport falls under a few different categories.  One popular response was to ridicule the idea, based either on a lack of knowledge for how much athleticism pole dancing actually requires, or based on the exclusion of other sports (i.e. cricket’s not a sport, why should pole dancing be a sport?).  Another common response was to immediately confuse what happens in a pole dance competition with what happens in a club thereby resulting in snarky comments about judges shoving medals into dancer’s thongs.  A few applauded the idea, citing the hard work it takes and making comparisons to gymnastics, etc.  However, the overall response was negative and the negativity, in my opinion, stemmed from our culture’s overall discomfort with overt displays of female sexuality.  One commenter actually said that it would be fine to have pole dancing as an Olympic sport as long as it was stripped (haha) of every sexual overtone.  Um, ok. 

            Let me be frank and straightforward for a moment here.  I know absolutely nothing about what it takes to qualify as an Olympic sport.  In fact, I know very little about sports, period.  I have never danced competitively and it does not interest me to do so.  I dance because it connects me a deeply feminine, sexual part of my self.  I dance because it feels good in my body.  The fact that it gets me fit is just a bonus.  So I’m not really sure how important it is to me personally that pole dancing gain Olympic standing.  With that said, I support the women who feel that it is important, and, I think that this very public push has done something excellent for the pole dancing community, which is to put pole in the public spotlight.  And pole dancing, because of it’s sensual and erotic roots, holds up a mirror to our culture’s sex phobia.

            The overall response from the general public reflects a real discomfort with women dancing sensually and evoking the erotic.  Whether this discomfort is reflected by third-grade comments about women taking their clothes off (nudity! yeah!) or flat out misogyny from both men AND women (those skanky whores need to find a real job!) the message is that we have a long way to go before people begin to accept that an erotic, sensual expression of the female body is worthy of respect.  Pole dancing is, and hopefully always will be, a sensual form of movement, and I think that is why most people balk at it being in the Olympics.  Because in our culture, rather than celebrating the sensuality of the female body, we censor it and we shame it and we denigrate it.  If we could change how we view a woman who chooses to celebrate her sensuality through dance, if we could look at this movement as a celebration of the female body, of its innate sensuality, of its sexual power and beauty, then maybe pole dancing, and even stripping could be integrated into the mainstream and viewed as a practice that is worthy of respect.           

            So I want to know what you, the pole dancers think.   Should it pole dancing become an Olympic Sport?  Why?  Should we sacrifice the sexiness for mainstream recognition?  Do you think if our culture were more sex-positive, the perspective on pole dancing would shift?  Is it possible for stripping and pole dancing to gain the respect of the general public as a legitimate sensual expression of female sexuality and power?  

The Pole Story Builds Bridges! Check It Out!

As you will recall, a couple of weeks ago I posted Part 2 of the Pole Dancer's Guide to The Anti-Poler and I called it "Building a Bridge".  In an effort to practice what I preach, I found a an anti-pole dance blog entry and I responded to it.  Go to the link below and check out what happened.

http://blog.nj.com/fitness/2010/02/try_exercise_to_improve_your_sex_life_for_valentines_day.html

Silent Bodies: Why Pole Dancing Might be Essential for Some Young Women

A while back, I wrote a little tirade about how irritating I found Ariel Levy and her limiting views on female sexuality to be.  I also said that Levy, for all her wing-flapping, fell short of offering any real solutions to the problems she felt were plaguing our culture with regards to women and sexuality.  And I suggested that I might have some solutions.  Which I do.   But first, let’s revisit a topic that dear Ariel and I can both almost agree on:  pleasure and desire in young women.

In her book, Levy takes a chapter to talk about how “Raunch Culture” is affecting young women.  She very astutely points out that female adolescents, who are already dealing with raging hormones, peer pressure, the need to fit in, etc. are being bombarded with images of sexiness in the media and being pressured to look sexy while simultaneously being told through abstinence –only programs in their schools, not to have sex.   Confusing for anyone, I would imagine, but even more so for a teen.  Levy points out that we are doing very little to help girls distinguish their sexual desires from their desires for attention.  The sad thing about this, she says, is that from the beginning of their experiences as sexual beings, they regard sex as a performance that you give for attention, rather than something thrilling that you engage in because you want to.  I couldn’t agree more.

Even more fascinating is Levy’s reference to Deborah Tolman, a woman who has researched and written extensively on teen girls and sexuality.  Tolman talks to girls about their experience of “wanting” versus their experience of “sex”, which is more often than not about being wanted.  Tolman (and Levy) use the phrase “silent bodies” to describe the sexual experiences of these young girls.  Whether or not these women were having sex, they had a very difficult time feeling and expressing arousal and desire in their bodies.   They instead chose to muffle these feelings, out of fear for where it might take them, shame and anxiety.  Nevertheless, they were still engaging in sexual activities and more often than not, these activities were described as having “just happened” to them.  Tolman points out that not feeling any sexual desire can put girls at great risk.  “When a girl does not know what her own feelings are, when she disconnects the apprehending psychic part of herself from what is happening in her own body, she then becomes especially vulnerable to the power of others’ feelings.”   Or, as Levy sums it up, you have to know what you want in order to know what you don’t want. 

In her book Dilemmas of Desire, Tolman argues that sexual desire, in and of itself, is not dangerous, essentially masculine or monstrous.  It’s a part of our relational world, a sign of our connection to our own bodies and our connection to other people.   Basing her argument on Jean Baker Miller’s assertion that sexual authenticity (the ability to bring one’s own real feelings of sexual desire and sexual pleasure meaningfully into intimate relationships) is a key feature of women’s psychological health, Tolman says that the body is the counterpart of the psyche in the ongoing process of constructing a subjective sense of one’s sexuality.  “Desire is a form of knowledge, gained through the body:  In desiring, I know I exist.”

If what Tolman and Levy  are saying is true, then a very real solution to the problem would be to educate young women on how to develop a subjective sense of their sexual selves.  In other words, to teach them how to get in touch with what desire and arousal feel like to them, how they experience it in their bodies and how to express what they want and don’t want.  When Ariel Levy talks about the pornification of our culture, I think what she is talking about is the extent to which she sees women, young and not-so-young, imitating or playing at being sexy.  There is a difference between a woman who is “acting” sexy for the sake of wanting to be desired by someone or wanting to fit in to something and a woman who is “being” sexy, that is fully embodying her sexuality and fully aware of and owning her desires, without apology and without shame.  The former becomes an easy target for other people’s desires, because her main objective is to please.  The latter will pick and choose who she wants to share herself with and when based on her experience of what her body is telling her.  But in order to hear her body, she has to learn to listen to it.  Guess what we’re going to talk about now? 

I dance at S Factor studios.  You may or may not be familiar with S Factor’s curriculum, but one of the things they ask their students to focus on is how they feel in their bodies when they are dancing.  They spend a lot of time on floor work, which gets you out of your head, they encourage you to slow down and pay attention to your breath, but most of all, they encourage their students to pay attention to what they are feeling in their bodies as they move.  I feel a lot of different things in my body when I dance sexually: anger, shame, fear, joy, sadness, exhaustion.  But desire is a part of every movement I make.  I move my body in a way that feels good to me.   I learn to touch myself and really experience the sensual pleasure of running my hand across my breasts or my belly.  And by doing this, I not only awaken desire in my body, I become intimate with what desire feels like in my body.  So here we have a very sexual, movement based practice, in a safe, all-female environment that encourages women to gain a subjective sense of their bodies through desire.  Is this not exactly what these young women’s “silent bodies” are sorely in need of?  A way to awaken, familiarize and de-stigmatize their experience of desire?  So why is Ariel Levy getting her proverbial panties in a twist over pole dancing classes?  If it were up to me, some form of all-girls erotic dance class would be a part of sex education for women in schools across the country.  Teenage girls are already bombarded with images of what “acting” sexy looks like.  It’s time to teach them what “being” sexual feels like in their bodies.  The pitfalls of having inexperienced, uneducated, silent sexually active women are too great.   Quite frankly, I think there are women well out of their teenage years who could also benefit from this type of education.  Maybe that’s part of the reason the pole movement s gaining so much momentum in the world. 

            

The Pole Dancer's Guide to the Anti-Poler, Part 2: Building a Bridge

This is dedicated to my mother, who continues to remind me that it takes a certain kind of strength to remain kind and gracious in the face of adversity and who has always encouraged me to open my heart to the world.

 

It’s time for our next installment of The Pole Dancer’s Guide to the Anti-Poler!  I’ve been reflecting on last week’s entry, and I think, this week, what I would really like to focus on is how to communicate when there are fundamental value differences between you and the person you are chatting with. It’s fair to say that many people who either have no interest in pole dancing or who oppose it outright are not necessarily going to be swayed by an ascerbic, aggressive approach to the topic.  While I had some fun putting my thoughts on paper last week, and while I DO feel angry and outraged by the treatment that many of us get, in the long run it ultimately does no good to escalate a situation or try to “win” by putting someone else down.  In order for there to be real communication across the vast gaps that exist between a pole dancer and someone who steadily opposes it, a certain amount of reflective listening, compassion and willingness to accept differences has to be present in the conversation.  One-upsmanship is fun, it raises a battle cry, but it is not a long-term solution.  I am not suggesting that you all become U.N. diplomat trained in communication.  But what I am suggesting is that you take the time to really understand someone else’s point of view and where it is coming from.  This week I have gotten a number of friend requests on Facebook from fellow pole dancers.  Many of them have different political or religious views than I do. It struck me that pole dancing was building bridges for me.  I was putting my own worldview to the side for the sake of embracing a shared passion. It’s my hope that our shared passion for pole can help us to build bridges not just with those who might not understand what we are doing, but in our own little community as well.

 

Scenario 2: The Moralist

Remember, the question was what did the person find so offensive about pole dancing.

 

AP: I don’t think you should be putting yourself out there like that.  Putting yourself on display.  You really must not respect yourself.  And you’re asking for trouble.

 

YOU: I see.  So you think that by putting my sexuality out there, I’m somehow showing the world that I 1. have no respect for my sexuality or my body and 2. am open and available for any kind of advances, wanted or unwanted.

 

AP:  Yes, I think you are taking a lot of risks by teasing all these men and whipping them up into a frenzy.  And I think that stuff is meant to be kept behind closed doors.

 

YOU:  Oh!  So you think that tempting people is a dangerous business.  And that sex should remain behind closed doors.  Listen, why do you think it’s dangerous for me to be openly sexual and sensual and tempting?

 

AP: Because you are asking for trouble when you do that!  What do you think is likely to happen?  Men lose control in those situations! You can’t go around being all sexual and sexy and then be surprised if something happens to you!

 

YOU: You know, you have a point there.  It is an unfortunate truth that in our society, women are still at risk of being sexually violated, and even more so if they are being overtly sexual.  But I’m not sure I agree with your solution.  Because what I hear you saying is that if women just kept their sexuality under wraps and didn’t tempt men, then there wouldn’t be any problem.  And what I also hear you saying is that if a woman does choose to put her sexuality in display, she should be held responsible for any bad thing that happens to her because men are incapable of controlling themselves. 

 

AP: Well…I just think it should be kept private.

 

YOU: How about this?  How about if we acknowledged that some men, because of their upbringing, feel like there are good girls and bad girls in this world.  Good girls are the kind you marry or the ones you are related to.  Bad girls are the ones who generally arouse all sorts of things in you. And the good girls need to be treated a certain way and the bad girls you can pretty much do what you want with. If you are a good girl, then you keep your sexuality under wraps or you only share it with one other person, preferably a male, and you have nothing to worry about.  If you are a bad girl and you choose to put your sexuality on display or take overt pleasure in your body, then you better expect anything that comes your way.  The problem is (aside from the insanity of this split) that a woman’s sexuality becomes deeply tied up and reined in with that kind of logic.  We can't be free.  The other problem is that men are not required to take any sort of responsibility for their behavior.  Men are given carte blanche to behave like jerks and treat some women, based on those women’s very personal choices, with disrespect.  Don’t you think that all women deserve respect?

 

AP: Yes, but you don’t treat yourself with respect, so why should I treat you with respect?

 

YOU: I see, so it’s coming back to that again.  All right.  So because I freely choose to pole dance, to be sensual, to be a little bit of a temptress, I don’t respect myself, is that what you are saying?

 

AP: Yes.

 

YOU: Do you know that women used to be celebrated and worshipped for their beautiful, sensual bodies?  Not anymore.  No, the attitude now towards women is either 1. Take it off!! Or 2. Cover it up!!  And neither one reflects respect for the female body.  You are the same as the man who screams for a woman to undress, except you want her to cover up.  You are just as interested in controlling female sexuality.  Perhaps it frightens you to see a woman who can boldly and proudly enjoy her body.  Perhaps it disgusts you. But I’m proud of what I do.  I think there is a great deal of value in it.  And I wouldn’t be able to do this, much less have a conversation about it with you if I weren’t completely clear about that. 

 

AP: Well….

 

YOU: You know what would be nice?  If we could have a place where women could be sensual and enjoy their sensuality and not be judged or be putting themselves at risk.  I kind of think pole dancing is moving us in that direction.

 

AP:  I think that’s immoral.  Sex, sensuality, all of that stuff is a private matter!

 

YOU:  You know, I understand that sentiment, and I respect your difference in opinion.  Sex , pole dancing, whatever – it should be a personal decision.  It’s not for everyone, right? But I guess what I would ask, is that you respect my decision to pole dance.  I’m certainly not going to tell you what to do, and I don’t think you should tell me what to do either.  Do you believe in freedom?

 

AP: Of course!  It’s what our country was founded on!  But I don’t believe in freedom that leads to immorality.

 

YOU: I see.  Do you believe in pleasure?

 

AP: Under certain circumstances, yes.  I enjoy a good book, a nice slice of pie, walks in the morning.

 

YOU: A nice of slice of pie?  The freedom to enjoy a nice slice of pie! Nothing immoral about that is there?

 

AP: No.

 

YOU: What is it that you enjoy about that nice slice of pie?  And what kind of pie, by the way?

 

AP:  Blueberry.  I like how it tastes.  I like how it smells, if it’s coming right out of the oven.  I like when it’s still warm.

 

YOU: What about when you get a nice scoop of ice cream to go with it and it kind of starts to melt and it makes the crust this buttery, flakey, gooey deliciousness?

 

AP: Oh yeah!  That is nice!  And then the blueberries kind of melt and pop in your mouth at the same time and that sweet yummy glaze stuff mixes with the ice cream…MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

 

YOU: Pleasure.  You are experiencing sensual pleasure when you eat that slice of pie.  Is there something wrong with that?

 

AP: Well, no.  But there is a huge difference between pie and sex.

 

YOU: Yes, but what they have in common, and what seems to upset you so very much is that element of sensual pleasure.  So tell me why it’s ok for you to take overt sensual pleasure in the experience of a piece of pie, like you just did, but it’s not ok for me to take overt pleasure in my own body.  What makes my body an inherently immoral thing to take pleasure in? 

 

AP: I…don’t know.  I guess because for me, sex or sexual pleasure is something sacred and private between two people.  There is nothing sacred about pie.

 

YOU: Well I will NOT repeat that to any pastry chefs.  Look, I don’t know if I will ever convince you that you should try pole dancing, or let your daughter or mother try pole dancing.  I could spend quite a bit of time explaining to you all the benefits but it would still require you to get around the privacy issue.  To some extent, it would seem like part of what you are talking about here is that love is a very important part of any sexual exchange for you.   And you don’t really see how love has anything to do with a pole.

 

AP: Yes. 

 

YOU: Ah.  What you are suggesting is that what I am doing is emanating purely from my physical body.  It’s sex without the heart or the soul. But you are wrong.  When I dance, my heart is in every movement my body makes.  Love and pleasure are joined integrally.  But the love I feel is for my own body, for the amazing capacity it has to experience a huge range of emotions and sensations and for its gorgeous ability to respond and tell a story.  When I dance, I might be trying to entice someone or maybe to win a competition, or maybe I’m dancing for fun, but above all I’m dancing because I want to share what is in my heart and my body at that particular moment.  So you see, love is the basis of what I do too.  It’s just that I choose to share that part of myself with more people than you do.  We have different limits.

 

AP:  Yes we do.

 

YOU:  And I guess what would be wonderful is if we could accept that our limits are different, without judging them.  I think we all struggle privately with sexual desire and expression.  What a shame that we displace the anxiety this creates in us by judging others for their decisions.  It would be wonderful if we, as a culture, could place limits on our sexual desires that are derived from joy and pleasure rather than fear and anxiety.  That way our limits are determined by a positive choice in life, rather than by fear and a need to control.  I understand that you would never choose to explore pole dancing.  But I don’t think any less of you for it.  I would love it if you could extend me the same courtesy.  If you could allow me the freedom to make informed decisions about what I choose to do with my body, my sexuality, my free time, even if it isn’t something that you would choose for yourself. 

 

AP: I’m not so sure I can do that.  I feel like you are asking me to ignore something that I think is fundamentally wrong.

 

YOU: No, I’m not asking you to ignore anything.  I’m asking you to think about pole dancing as something that is not right for you, rather than as something that is just plain wrong.  

The Pole Dancer's Guide to the Anti-Poler, Part 1

Ohhhh, you know who I’m talking about.  The people who, when you tell them that you pole dance look at you and say anything from, “Why would you want to do that?”  to calling you an outright whore.  The road to bringing pole dancing into the mainstream is fraught with social and cultural pitfalls and every single one of us will face some form of censorship or prejudice along the way.  So how do we deal with this?  What do we say to convince others what we know to be true in the very core of our bodies: that this type of erotic movement is an essential part of who we are?  Even more to the point, how should we respond, behave, and speak with those who disagree and perhaps even attack us?  These are essential questions that need answers if we want to continue to move pole dancing and other forms of erotic expression into the mainstream.

 

Let me start off by saying that there is no way for me to write this guide without giving you my personal biases on the topic first.  You may or may not agree with me, which will make this guide more or less useful to you.  Some of these ideas have been discussed in previous blogs, so if you want an in-depth read, you can look in the January archives.  Here we go.

 While I think there are distinctions between club pole dancing and competitive pole dancing, and while I think it will be initially important to make these differences clear to the general public, it would do women a great disservice to distance pole dancing from its erotic, strip club roots.  Part of what makes moving pole dancing into the mainstream so empowering is that it gives women permission to creatively display, play with and express their sexuality with, ideally, less of the stigma and shame than our strip club sisters had to deal with.  Taking the erotic sensuality out of pole so that it can be accepted into the mainstream is like doing yoga without ever paying attention to your breath.  What’s the point?  I worry that with all of the negative strip club connotations floating around out there, people will rush to point out that pole dancing is a sport, nothing like club dancing, and slowly the sexiness, the eroticism of pole will be squeezed out until we are left with nothing but stiff, emotionless gymnasts in sports bras and high-waisted shorts throwing tricks on a vertical pole.  Shudder. Even worse than that, I worry that this distinction some of us occasionally make between strippers and pole dancers will drive little wedges between us all, weaken our collective voice, and perpetuate that awful good girl/bad girl split that is so pervasive in our culture.  It does not serve us, as women, to make petty distinctions between who did what to whom and whether or not money was involved and technically I don't take my clothes off and no one puts dollar bills in my g-string so therefore, I'm better/more professional/a real artist, etc. and so on.  All this really does is perpetuate the madonna/whore myth that keeps our sexuality in chains.  Anyone who has ever wanted to pole dance has a little bit of the whore in them.  And every time you dance, she comes out to play.  And that is true whether you are dancing in a club, a competition, a studio or for a lover.  So own it. 

If for some reason, the idea of your dancing being connected to the strip club scene is upsetting to you, if you desperately need to distance what you do from what those “other girls” do, if you truly believe that you are doing this because it’s just a really good workout, then I strongly suggest you spend some time thinking about why you chose pole dancing.  Because there are a million ways to get fit without putting on six inch stilettos, a bikini and swinging sensually around a pole.

 

I can hear all of you screaming “BUT IT IS DIFFERENT!  AND THIS ISN’T GOING TO HELP ME CONVINCE ANY OF THOSE A**HOLES OTHERWISE!”

 

All right, all right, I know that.  Let’s move on to the guide portion, shall we? 

 

      1. THE FITNESS ARGUMENT

Despite what I said above, the fitness argument is a GREAT place to start talking about the wonders of pole dancing.  I have pretty strong arms and shoulders and people inevitably ask what I do to keep them so toned.  I pole dance, I tell them, while looking them squarely in the eye.  In general, I find that assertive eye contact while telling them that you pole dance will ward off the more polite people from making any stupid comments.  I then tell them I’m also a massage therapist, which, let me tell you, DEFINITELY makes them think I’m a whore.  I have loads of fun with this. 

People are generally more inclined to accept pole dancing if they think of it as a good form of exercise.  And it is.  So please feel free to let that be the first thing out of your mouth.  But it’s a lot more than that.  And, as I said above, there are a million ways to get good exercise.  If you choose pole dancing, I think it’s safe to say that you are not just excited about the great workout.  You are also excited about how super sexy and sexual you get to be.  Yes, it’s fun and it’s different, but so is pilates, so is ballet booty barre and so is ultimate frisbee.  And while most people might just be willing to accept your “It’s good workout” explanation, others will not.  And, quite frankly, if you really want to change the way people perceive pole dancing, you shouldn’t either.

 

2. LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX AND THE TEMPTRESS

If we look at the history of women, the temptress archetype (or whore archetype, if you prefer) has always been around, and she hasn’t exactly been held in high regard.  I’m not going to go into all the theories of why this is true at this particular moment, but I will say this:  There is tremendous power in the female body, particularly in her ability to give birth, and in her ability to move sensually and to arouse.  The female body represents the sensate, the life giving, the nurturer, the goddess and the temptress.  The temptress is an important part of a healthy female psyche because she puts us in touch with our bodies and our sexuality, both of which inform us about who we are, and what we desire.  And it has not always been the case that women were encouraged to explore who they are and what they desire.  More recently the temptress has gotten a bad rap in the wake of first wave feminism, which asks that we be respected for our minds, not our bodies.  The thing is, I love my body.  I live in my body.  I would like to be respected for both, please.  And I would also like to be able to let my temptress unleash, inform me, guide me and play without being judged by men or women.  Because she has a lot to say.  And a lot of it is worth listening to.

The problem is the temptress is dangerous to most people.  Women who unleash their sexuality and take pleasure in it are immediately suspicious.  The ones who get paid for it are even worse.  Under no circumstances should a woman sell any part of her body.  Never mind that if it is done under the guise of motherhood, such as donating your eggs, or becoming a surrogate mother, no one bats an eyelash. 

When people think of women being paid for their sexuality, they often think of it as something that has been forced upon the women by dire economic circumstances, sexual slavery, etc.  I would like to say that under no circumstances do I defend or support these practices.  When I talk about women choosing to take pleasure in displaying their sexuality, I am talking about just that: The choice.  And if that choice is in any way compromised, then I do not think the arguments I am making here hold nearly as much relevance.  There are three requirements that I think need to happen in any sexual exchange, paid or unpaid, public or private:  It needs to be safe for any parties involved, it needs to be sane for any parties involved and it needs to be consensual.

 

3. ATTITUDE

I think the way in which you approach a subject is as important as what you say.  I’m (hopefully) going to give you a lot of information that can help you to outsmart people, but if you scream at them, you still won’t come out on top.  One of the things I mentioned in The Fitness Argument was having fun with people.  It’s really hard to keep your sense of humor about you when someone is 1. Behaving ignorantly and 2. Attacking you.  But I must say, the more I keep my cool, the more they look like the jerk.  It is not in my nature to stay cool.  I have a fiery temper, I’m impulsive and I’m passionate.  But I have found that if I stay cool in the face of someone’s attack, two things happen: 1. They run out of steam, because they have nothing to push against.  I’m not fighting back, so nothing escalates.  2. They inevitable end up looking like a huge, aggressive jerk who has lost their mind.  Think of it this way:  Someone who is having a strong reaction towards your decision to pole dance is dealing with something very personal around his or her own sexuality.  Your decision to display, play with or flaunt your sexuality stirs up some very deep fears.  If you can stay calm and cool and rational while they have a little aggressive meltdown, then it becomes very clear who is struggling with what.  You are not struggling with your decision to be a pole dancer.  You do not care that it is affiliated with sex work.  You are comfortable and confident in the decision you have made with your body and you are happy to share some of your beautiful, feminine sexual energy with the world.  And you do not feel ashamed of that, because what you are really doing is giving the world a very beautiful gift.  That guy (or girl) has a problem with it.  That is his or her problem.  They need to work it out for themselves.  You can give them the facts, the explanations, the rundown, and if, at the end of the day, they still want to call you a whore, then maybe the best thing to do is to straighten up, look them straight in the eye, smile, and say, “Yes. I have a little bit of the whore in me.  Every woman does.  Now what?”

 

 

4.THE ANTI-POLER ARGUMENTS

Perhaps one of the biggest differences between dancing in a club and dancing competitively or in a studio is the end goal.  In club dancing, for the most part, you are trying to make money by doing a stage show and then hopefully getting some clients for a lap dance or a table dance, etc.  There may or may not be pole work involved.  In general, you gear your dancing towards whatever your client’s fantasy may be.  In competitive dancing, you are trying to beat out the other dancers for a cash prize, by expressing athletic grace and strength on the pole.  There is generally no lap dancing, and you are free to express your sexuality as you see fit (as long as it is within the rules of the competition).  In studio dancing, you are exploring different moves, exploring your body and sometimes the accompanying emotions, training to get stronger and, exploring floor work and lap dancing.  There are no rules around what you can and cannot wear (except for nudity in some studios) and you are oftentimes encouraged to explore that naughty part of you and to let her come out and play.  Most importantly, you are learning to take pleasure in displaying your sexual side.

As you can see, there are similarities and differences in what happens in each venue across the pole dancing spectrum.  And I haven’t even talked about burlesque or acrobatic classes.  Or male pole dancers.  The common thread is not just the pole, but also the overt expression of sensuality and pleasure through dance and movement.  And when people react negatively to the fact that you pole dance, this is generally what they are reacting to.  This is also why the fitness argument, in the long run, fails.  Because, to the anti-poler, that’s not really the problem.  The problem is all the sex.

So how do we get around that?  Well, one solution is to get rid of the sexual aspects of pole dancing, make it a competitive sport, a type of gymnastics, nothing more.  I think you already know how I feel about this solution. 

Another option is to begin to shift the way people perceive the entire pole dancing industry.  From strip clubs to dance studios to competitive dancing.  How would it be, if, instead of condemning and shaming women who had the courage to playfully and wholeheartedly display and share their sexuality, we celebrated them? How would it be, if, instead of marginalizing and pushing away that temptress/whore part of ourselves, we were able to proudly own her as a part of being a woman?  That is what you are doing every time you dance.  And, as dancers, we have the power to change how the world sees us.  The more we inform ourselves, the more we speak clearly and graciously and intelligently about our work – no matter what the venue is – the more the world will have to listen.  And perhaps, as they get past their own fears and prejudices around sexuality, they will come to see the value and the beauty in what we do.

A tall order, I know.  And it can only happen one person at a time.  So what are some ways to open up people’s minds?  I always like to start by asking questions.  Let’s role-play!

YOU: “I’m a pole dancer.”

 

AP: “You do what?? That’s whore work.  You’re dirty.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  Why would you want to do that?”

 

YOU: “Well it’s a good workout.”

 

AP : “There are lots of ways to get a workout besides degrading yourself.”

 

YOU: “You’re right.  I actually have a lot of fun pole dancing.  I think it’s really fun to play around with my sexuality, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.  I’m sorry if that bothers you.”

 

AP: “SINNER! WHORE!”

 

YOU: (cool as a cucumber) “Look I’m just curious.  What exactly do you find so offensive about pole dancing? “

 

Now, depending on your anti-poler, you will have a variety of answers here.  I’m going to go with 4 different scenarios, but of course, there are hundreds.  Below are the four scenarios.  This week we will talk about scenario number 1:The Outraged Feminist.

In the following weeks we will discuss:

2. The Moralist
3. The Male Chauvinist Pig
4. The Concerned Family Member

 

If you have suggestions for other scenarios, please feel free to message me on Facebook and I will happily write them out for you!

 

 

Scenario 1: The Outraged Feminist (my favorite!):

Remember, the question you asked was, what exactly was so offensive about pole dancing.

AP: “What you are doing objectifies women, degrades them, and makes it socially acceptable to do so!  You are undoing everything your feminist sisters have done for you! Shame on you!”

 

YOU: “I see.  So you’re upset because you think I am a traitor.  And you think I am a traitor because by displaying my sexuality and taking pleasure in displaying it, I am somehow degrading myself?”

 

AP:”YES! Degrading yourself and making it ok for others to degrade us by expecting this type of behavior.  And you are turning sexuality into something that can be bought!”

 

YOU: “I am?  That’s funny, because I don’t get paid to do it.  Let me ask you something, do you believe in a woman’s right to choose what she wants to do with her body?”

 

AP: “Yes.  Of course, I do.  I’m a feminist.”

 

YOU: “So could you please explain to me why sexuality doesn’t fall under that right?  As a woman, should I not have the right to make an informed decision about what to do with ANY aspect of my body, including my sexuality?”

 

AP: “Not if it’s degrading, no.”

 

YOU: “Oh, I see. So, you believe in a woman’s right to choose, as long as it falls under your own personal moral umbrella of what you deem to be acceptable behavior for a woman.  Well that’s great.  So, before the feminist movement, men who, in the name of “protection”, placed all sorts of restrictions on my body policed my sexuality.  Now, it’s being policed by women who, once again, think they know more than me about what’s good for me.  Does that make sense to you at all?  Because I’m failing to see the logic here.”

 

AP: “Ummm…”

 

YOU (interrupting):  “Have you ever read the book Misogyny by Jack Holland?  No? Well you should.  He goes through the entire history of the ways women have been persecuted and mistreated over the centuries.  And at the end of the book, he has this great little discussion about how women should be able to freely express and display their beauty and sensuality without censorship.  He actually criticizes the feminist movement for trying to strip women of this choice.  It’s really kind of an eye opener.”

 

AP: “You know all you are doing is encouraging men to have a very one-dimensional view of how women should look, behave and act!”

 

YOU: “Really?  Would you like to tell that to the 60-year-old woman in my dance class?  Or the woman who, at 35, after two kids, is in the best shape of her life and more sexually confident than she has ever been?  Anyway, I’m not sure I understand your point.  What do you do to arouse interest in your partner?  How do you behave when you are turned on, hmmm?  How do you express pleasure in your body?  Because that’s what this is about.  It’s about finding ways of moving that feel good to you, that give you and maybe someone else pleasure.  Oh and as for the objectification part, could you please define that word for me?”

 

AP: “Turning women into objects.”

 

YOU: “Close.  Objectifying means taking a physical sensation – in other words, something that is experienced in the body, internally – and turning it into something that is external.  So there is this kind of dehumanizing quality to it.  You are taking it out of the body and turning it into an external object.  I feel like this is something that men and women do every day when it comes to their sexuality, don’t you?”

 

AP: “Yes, but that’s because men turn women into objects to be devoured and consumed, instead of seeing them as humans that have brains and feelings.”

 

YOU: “That is true, that does happen.  But I don’t think we can blame that on pole dancing or men, exclusively.  And I just want to suggest to you, that maybe, just maybe, women might occasionally like playing with the fantasy of being devoured and consumed.  Think about it. 

Do you know what the opposite of objectification is?  Subjectification.  The act of experiencing something internally, in one’s own mind and body.  A woman who has a strong subjective sense of her body and her sexuality is a woman who knows what feels good and doesn’t feel good in her body.  Don’t you think someone like that is going to be in a much better position to set clear sexual boundaries with others, yes?

 

AP: “Well. Yes.”

 

YOU: “And of course, sexuality is primarily experienced where?  In the body! And what is a good vehicle for exploring the body and can be inherently sexual? Dance!  Have you ever seen anyone pole dance?”

 

AP: “NO.”

YOU: “Oh.  So you really don’t have any idea of what it’s all about, then.  You have a lot of preconceived ideas.  You know, I think it’s a good idea for you to get some first hand experience in all of this.” 

-----OR-----

AP: “Yes, and I think it’s disgusting.”

YOU: “Oh. Wow.  So it’s really hard for you to tolerate open displays of sexuality.  It makes you really uncomfortable.  I totally get that.  I used to be that way.  Do you know what I did to help myself?”

AP: “No.”

YOU: “I took a pole dancing class.”