You Keep your Rules, I'll Keep my Gluteal Folds

There is an interesting conversation happening at Studio Veena at the moment.  It's about whether or not there should be a dress code in pole studios.  You know. Whether we should start telling women they need to COVER UP a little more when they are in the studio.  I scrolled through the comments, which range from "hell no" to "yes of course" and came up with my own response to the situation.  Read on.

For the love of God. If I wanted to be a part of a community that was going to tell me how to dress right down to the number of centimeters my gluteal folds are permitted to be "exposed", I would have been a damn gymnast. I would have been been an ice skater. I would have been a swimmer. No, see I became a pole dancer because it gave me freedom - freedom to be who I am in the studio and out, freedom to explore my dance through things like dressing up or down, playing with heels, collars, ties, boots, hoodies and whatever else I found myself drawn to in the moment. Pole is subversive. It's subversive because it challenges the traditional ideas of what a woman can and cannot be, should and should not do when it comes to her body. When you have a woman who is smart, articulate and perhaps works as an engineer by day (like Nadia Sharif) and then who puts on high heels, and dances out the sexy in her free time, you have a woman who is actively breaking down stereotypes. Why yes, I can be smart and sexy and be public about both. Why no, dancing in high heels on a pole does not make me a dumb, desperate woman. And yes, I am CHOOSING to dance like this, to move like this, to DRESS like this because it pleases me. And I really don't care what you think. Because what you think is a reflection of your own values and issues. I'm at peace with my choices, and who I am. 
This is what infuriates me the most about these kinds of "rules" about dress and bodies and exposure in pole: Underneath is a thinly veiled expression of shaming. And shame is what I shed when I started pole dancing. The words "appropriate" and "professional" come up a lot in this thread in reference to clothing. I spend my days working in a place where I have to be appropriate and professional. The last thing I want to do is walk into my studio at the end of the day and get the same rigamarole. As far as getting the mainstream to accept pole, I truly don't think pole will go anywhere if we whitewash the sexy out of it. Why should we change in order to be taken more seriously? If you change yourself to be accepted by another person, what happens? You lose the respect of that person and you lose your identity. That same dynamic exists on a macro level as well. Yes, pole is athletic and it gets you fit and it's beautiful and yes it has many faces, including competition.  And yes competitions and studios need rules for safety, among other things. But forcing pole dancers to look or act or present themselves a certain way just so that "other people" will accept pole as "legitimate"  is just squeezing the very soul right out of our pole culture.  Pole is already legitimate. We make it legitimate just by the simple act of dancing.

Thoughts?

The Sexual Is The Spiritual

Recently, I began inviting people to share their stories with me about how pole dancing has changed and shaped their lives.  The Pole Story is as much about you as it is about the culture of pole.  In fact, your stories are what create the culture of pole.
My first brave guest writer chose to write about the intersection of her spirituality and her sexuality in pole class, and the ways in which this meeting furthered her healing process.  Given the time of year, a story about the spiritual aspects of pole seemed the perfect way to kick-off a lovely new series of Pole Stories.

By AS


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For some pole dancing is about the workout.  For others, it is about feeling beautiful and sexy. I go to S Factor for all of the above reasons.  But the main reason I go is for what it does for my spirit.  It makes me feel connected to myself and to the Divine.  

When I get to class, the room is dark.  I sit down on a purple mat and the world around me quiets. I close my eyes and ground into my body, letting my mind go for just a couple of hours. I feel the music coming into the room, pouring onto my skin, into my ears and I allow it to take me. I hear the teacher's voice and it guides me on a journey to connect with my heart, with the Divine. With my eyes closed I go into deep meditation. I don't let my mind rule me; I just do what feels right. It's completely magical.
In meditation the goal is to master your mind.  In class, while I’m dancing, I attain that mastery. I don't think to myself, "Ok, I'm going do a couple hip circles here and then I'm going to throw a spin." I let the music enter my body and let my body take over, allowing my mind to follow. It is a conversation between God and me. 

I have been taught that my spiritual self and my sexual self should be separate. That there is a time for your spiritual self and there is a time for your sexual self. And that the time for your sexual self should be in the privacy of your own bedroom, with your husband. In some ways this is true. There are certain things that need to be saved for you or your partner in the privacy of your own home.  However, it is also true that we are spiritual beings and we are sexual beings. In order for us to live sanely in this world we need to tell ourselves that it is ok for the spiritual and the sexual to merge. There is a common misconception that sexuality is "bad" and "dirty." In reality it is just a part of who we are. There are so many things that we do instinctually that would scientifically be classified as sexual behavior that we don't even recognize.

I have done Kundalini Yoga since I was 12 and I have been a Sikh for about the same amount of time. It has healed my soul and saved my life, but S Factor has taken my soul and my sexuality to a different level. It helped me to KNOW that it is really and truly ok to be sexy. Since I was young, people have been telling me that I am "Too Sexy." I never understood what that meant.  It always made me feel like I was doing something wrong, but I never understood what, because I didn't feel like I was "doing" anything.

I don't tell many people outside of the pole community that I take classes at S Factor because I know they won't understand. But, S Factor has changed my life. It has given me an outlet to heal myself and my sexuality on a whole other level – one I have never experienced before. Because of S Factor, I know that I am sexy and that it is 100% ok to be that way.  It is not only ok, but it's good for me. It isn't about the workout (although that is a plus), it is about the deep spiritual journey that I go on in each and every class.

As a deeply spiritual person, who lives a spiritually disciplined life, I never would have thought that S Factor would give me the "enlightenment" that I needed to continue healing myself. It takes me into my heart and allows my body to express itself the way it wants to. What I have come to realize is that my spiritual self and my sexual self are one. I have been able to merge the two in a way that I never thought possible through this movement. It has given me an outlet to release and let go of things I've been holding onto for years. It has allowed me to discover myself on a new level and showed me that who I am is beautiful and perfect.

Looking

A few months ago, I had the pleasure of meeting Kyleanne Hunter, one of the first female Cobra helicopter pilots in the U.S. Marine Corps and a strong, unapologetic and beautiful woman.  We quickly recognized a kindred spirit between us, and I asked if I could interview her for my blog as well as re-post some of her blogs on The Pole Story.  She graciously agreed.  What struck me about Ky's writing was that despite clear external differences in occupation and career, there was a great deal of similarity in our struggle to define ourselves as women through non-traditional roles.  Read on to find out more about the amazing Ky.

"I'd rather be looked over, than overlooked" - Mae West

I never really had a choice. I was always taller than the average girl, but was definitely not a boy. Physically, I kept up with the boys from 4-year-old soccer team; perhaps a portend to the future being captain of the boy's waterpolo team in high school, beating my male counterparts on the endurance course and PFTs in the Marine Corps, and racing in men's races on the bike. I'm 5'11", and, shall we say, have curves; still definitely not a boy. Even my name, Kyleanne, stands out as unique. I stand out in a crowd. Not exactly overlooked.

However, the past decade of my professional life has, on the surface, has pushed gender neutrality and conformity. "We're all Marines," we were told, starting at OCS. "Woman Marines" has become as cringe-worthy as a racial slur. Uniformity, order, and discipline were drilled into us along with the core values of honor, courage and commitment. My time in the USMC was the time of the Nation's longest war. A time when I went from optimistic post-college girl, full of spit, fire and donning designer shoes, to battle-ready Marine, trained to close with and destroy the enemy through fire and maneuver.

Through OCS, TBS, Flight School, Squadron Life, and deployments I lost "Kyleanne" and found Candidate -> Lieutenant -> Captain Hunter. A rank-name construct that is gender-race-creed neutral. Necessary for order and discipline and execution of commander's intent. This is what wins wars, secures our Nation, and makes crowds ohh and ahh at the precision and lock-step of ceremonial drill.
It also has secondary effects. It allows us to think of ourselves as a collective "Marines" rather than individuals. In war, this makes it easier for us to sacrifice ourselves and our friends for a greater good, and to kill the enemy. Detachment is necessary for success. Individualism must be overlooked. Personality stymied. We become interchangeable parts in the Marine-Air-Ground-Task-Force, known for our names, rank and Military Occupation Specialty; by extension, learning not to think of ourselves or our personal wants. "Weapon-Gear-Self" is the order of precedence of care. And generally by the time self is reached, I'm too tired to think about it.

When I entered the Marine Corps, I was fully aware of the "service" component of military service. I was, however, unaware of just how much it would change my perception of self. For several years, I put on olive drab green or desert brown, and, in the name of supporting the country I love, worked to ensure that Kyleanne would be overlooked for the betterment of the Corps. Success and acceptance went hand-in-hand; to thrive, which in turn meant the MAGTF thrived and wars could be won, I blended in. I became hard when I had to be hard, and reacted on instinct and training.

It wasn't until I came to the House of Representatives as the Marine Corps Liaison that the loneliness of being overlooked in the name of honor, courage, and commitment came to weigh fully on me. The energy I had poured into ensuring I fully became "Captain, USMC" my peers had poured into creating relationships, marriages, homes and families. The hours I spent piloting a Cobra helicopter over the desert, they spent building a life to ensure comfort, love, and security in their old age. Nights I spend sitting, shivering in a conex box wondering, in the few moments of solitude I got, "what the fuck am I doing here?" they spent in lovers' arms. My 20s and early 30s - years women typically give to someone to start a foundation of life together - I gave to everyone else. As I am beginning to shed the layers of green and brown and transition into civilian life, this brings to the surface intense feeling of loneliness, fear, and overwhelming anxiety that I have missed some higher life purpose.

I do not regret one minute I spent as part of great collective that is the USMC. People have often remarked that I am a "strong, independent woman." And I am. But, in order to be so, I need to be Kyleanne. Today I found out that I was accepted to every graduate program to which I applied. In a small way, it was a sense of validation that I am still wanted and relevant as an individual. That my time as part of the collective is just a step in become more of an individual.

Last year, I was in a position to start doing things for me. It started with racing my bike. The pain I felt was mine, and mine alone, and the victories were a result of long hours of very personal suffering and dedication. On the bike, I was needed and wanted for being me. I developed a personality that became known (and maybe even loved) in the regional elite pelaton. I developed a relationship with my coach that pulled me through bouts of depression and anxiety, and life-long friendships with teammates and competitors alike. For the first time in nearly a decade, a community wanted me as much for who I was as what I could do. I was being looked over, as it were, not over looked.

Transitioning into the civilian world, I'm still not fully sure who Kyleanne is, nor who she will become. I have spent so long worrying about not being "too-Ky" that I don't know how long it will take to full separate myself from being part of an institution and openly and completely embrace the individual. The irony of my years of burying myself in order to be overlooked, is that as I enter my new life, this will cause me to constantly looked-over. There are few female attack pilots out there, and fewer still with legislative liaison experience, and exactly zero others who also race bikes. So I'm moving on, knowing full well that I am in a position to once again stand out. And am embracing this as an opportunity to probe myself and others with curiosity. And challenge the world to go ahead and look me over. Just don't be surprised when I look back.

To read more of Ky's blogs, go to: www.welcometokyland.blogspot.com.

How Exercise and Sex Can Help you Meet Your Fitness Goals

By: Jackie Anderson

Everyone is looking for new ways to stay in shape. Usually when starting a new diet and exercise plan the first couple of days are pretty rough, but we all persevere, right?  If you're having a little trouble, I have some motivation and additional workouts you can do. Don't worry you don't have to eat rice cakes while you do 100 squats--this one is a little more fun!  To really push your workouts into overdrive, and burn up to an additional300 calories you should add in a few 30 minute to hour long sessions a week. 

What  “sessions” am I talking about? Having sex of course!  That's right. That added pleasure in your life is actually doing your body some good inside and out.  But here's the fun part--hold on to your seats--working out and having sex go hand in hand and both get better with the aid of the other.

  

Getting your butt in shape allows you to have greater stamina, stronger muscles (for wall sex, of course).  This means you can get into different positions and get into them faster. And losing weight obviously makes us feel more confident about ourselves, so you'll want to walk around naked more often, which just might lead to having sex more often.  Taking care of our body physically also often makes us think more about the food we eat. You just might find that you put down the chips, the heavy starches and excessive red meats and cheeses, which is good because these are all foods that make you bloat and bloating doesn't really put you in the mood. You'll find that the healthier alternatives give you more energy and therefore a better chance at doing the dirty. 

And the healthier food may help you to lose some weight too.

As for having sex, well as I said, that helps you burn up to an additional 300 calories a session. That's 300 calories burned by doing something that you truly enjoy. Bonus! Sex also helps you sleep better, due to the oxytocin your brain releases during a sack session. Oxytocin helps your muscles to repair overnight and you will have stronger workouts the following day.  It also builds your immune system and lowers your stress. Stress wears on our body and causes it to store fat.  If you can get your stress under control, you're likely to see more progress with your workout routine and be happier in general.

Now maybe are you thinking..."Well, I don't have a significant other, so what am I to do?"  Don't worry!  While getting yourself off doesn't burn nearly as many calories as sex, it does have the same brain and body advantages. You don't need a partner when you have sex toys to help you out. An orgasm elicits oxytocin and endorphins--two things that make us sleep better, happier, and reduce stress. Plus, all of the working out you're doing just may land you a new boo in no time. Maybe you'll even meet them at the gym.  

So this weekend, as you're gearing up to do a five miler or even just a one miler, think about ending your day in an additional calorie burning bedroom sesh--whether it’s with someone else or yourself. You'll find that your body appreciates it as much as you do. 

 Brought to you by:

How Fly Gym Convinced Me That Pole Is Fitness (Too).

So those of you who know me well are familiar with  my super sexy stance when it comes to pole dancing.  So you might keel over when you hear what I have to say next....
Pole is fitness. (I know, whaaaaat?) It takes discipline, stamina, practice, energy and strength.  It makes you stronger.  And you have to train to be proficient in it.  

Beloved Felix

Now that we have that cleared up, let me introduce you to Jehan Izhar.  Jehan is a physical performance coach and aerialist who recently completed her Masters in Kinesiology.
According to her in addition to strength pole takes mobility, flexibility and power.  Jehan also teaches the Fly Gym Instructor program.  Fly Gym is a system that uses supportive fabrics that are hung from the ceiling (or wall) to provide a fitness "experience" that combines aerial fitness training, aerial yoga and pilates.  It is especially beneficial for students training in the aerial arts as it allows you to achieve 360 degree rotation while engaging your muscles the entire time.  As Jehan points out, static muscle building exercises that work on one or two planes only are not preparing muscles properly for pole work.  You train for the transitions not the tricks.

Jehan in her Ninja Move

I took the Fly Gym Instructor Training over the course of 2 Saturdays. What I liked about it was how much focus Jehan placed on assessing for needs. Because she is a physical performance coach, her eye is trained to look for where there is compensation in the body.  She understands posture and alignment extremely well (she is a yogi and a cirque performer after all) and her Masters in Kinesiology means she is an expert at human movement.  So when she teaches Fly Gym for Pole she emphasizes watching your student's body for areas of compensation.  Certain exercises with Fly Gym can help to illuminate those weak spots and then help to strengthen them. This is not something I have seen in pole training before.  Usually we just kind of try the tricks until we get them.  And of course this can be dangerous. 

Learn Twisted Grip without the strain on your sweet wrists!

Even more interesting is the fact that both Jehan and the other student in the class, who is a teacher in Australia, acknowledged that there were certain tricks they did not teach because they were simply too risky on certain size poles or because they were simply not good for your body.  Keep in mind that pole is different from other aerial arts because there is almost always a push-pull dynamic going on in tricks, which means unlike lyra or silks, where the center point is your body and therefore body alignment is easier, in pole the center point is the pole itself.  This means we are always a bit off-balance.  As we know, pole takes a toll. This training reminded me that being fit and healthy also meant being balanced.  If we are exercising one side of our body more than the other, or pushing and pulling as we do in pole, then it is best to balance that out in our workouts.

You don't need a pole to Fly Gym! Take it to the playgrounds for practice!

I am not a fitness expert by a long shot.  And so maybe to someone who has a background in personal training, this all seems like a no-brainer.  But I think I will say what I have to say anyway.  I really appreciate how much this training emphasizes building up strength AND flexibility FOR pole.  In other words, it really focuses on how to make you a stronger and smarter pole athlete.  If pole is about fitness then a pole curriculum should reflect a healthy and balanced approach towards building a student's strength. And curriculum developers should be consulting people like Jehan to best determine how to teach pole in a way that reflects the true meaning of the word "fit".

In addition to training pole athletes, Fly Gym can be used on its own to work with populations who need strength training and some extra support while they do it.  The creator, Aruna Andes, is currently working on bringing Fly Gym to disabled veterans at the VA.
 

Aruna Andes, creator of Fly Gym

As for me, I will be taking my Fly Gym to the monkey bars in the hopes that I can someday achieve my twisted grip without aggravating the tendonitis in both my wrists.  And, I will be bringing my 70-year-old father with me, so he can practice balancing on a standing leg. Happy Flying!


For more information on Fly Gym go to www.flygym.com
To find out how to get in touch with Jehan go to www.jehanizhar.com

Why We Can't Move Past the Sexy Stigma

In September, three brave women went on Anderson Cooper to defend their kids’ right to pole dance.  I watched the show several times and several things popped into my head straightaway.  First, I was disappointed.

What disappointed me about the show was that Anderson Cooper and Goldie Hawn cast pole dancing into such a black and white light.  Is it sexy or is it not sexy? Well, the truth is, it’s both.  And like everything in this world, what pole is depends on the context in which it is being explored.  And yet, this narrow attempt to define pole dancing in an oversimplified way highlighted not just how little the general public knows about pole but also how the pole dance community lacks a strong defining image.  When Anderson Cooper points out that the adult classes focus on “increasing the libido” and have overtly sexual names like “sexy-flexy” and “babes on bikes”, he is making a very valid point: How can you say what you are doing is not sexual when all of your adult classes focus on sexuality? We cannot, as a community, vigorously argue that we want to move past the stereotype of pole as a sexy activity and then market our classes as sexy.  It makes no sense.  We, as a pole community have to be clear on our message and our definitions of pole, and paradoxically, we have to be able to defend the sexy in order to defend the fitness.

Another problem I saw with Anderson’s line of thinking and therefore his questioning was the assumption that pole dancing will somehow lead girls down a shameful, sex-driven, promiscuous path of harlotry and immoral behavior.  He asked two versions of the same question.  The first was, “Why pole dancing?  Why not something with less of a sexual connotation?”  The second was, “Once they reach maturity, THEN what happens?” 

I love these kinds of questions because they reveal our culture’s innate reaction to female sexuality:  Keep it secret and keep it safe.

As if a woman who learns the art of sexuality and pleasure through dance is also learning to disrespect her body and her sexuality.  I would argue that in fact, the opposite is true.

One of the biggest concerns with young women and sex today is that they often view sex and sexuality as something you give as a performance for attention, rather than something you engage in because you want to.  There is a psychologist named Deborah Tolman who has written extensively on this topic.  She talks to girls about their experience of “wanting” versus their experience of “sex”, which is more often than not about being wanted.  Tolman uses the phrase “silent bodies” to describe the sexual experiences of these young girls.  Whether or not these young women had sex, they had a difficult time expressing if or how they felt desire or arousal in their bodies.  They instead chose to muffle their feelings, out of fear for where it might take them, out of shame and out of anxiety.  Nevertheless, they were still engaging in sexual activities and, more often than not, these activities were described as having “just happened” to them.  This is dangerous.  When a girl does not know what her own feelings and desires are she is much more vulnerable to the power of others feelings and desires. 

If what Tolman is saying is true, then teaching young women how to develop a subjective sense of their sexual selves would actually be a solution to them giving away their sexuality, when in fact we must teach them to own it.  In other words, our culture needs to teach women how to get in touch with what desire and arousal feel like, how to experience it in their bodies, and how to express what they want and don’t want.  Pole dancing is actually an excellent vehicle for such an education.  And this is because sexuality and desire are primarily experienced in the body. 

So to turn Anderson Cooper’s line of thinking on its head, I would argue that it is important for every young woman to learn how to explore her sexuality through pole dance in a safe, all-female environment.  I won’t teach my daughter to pole dance because I want her to go to the Olympics or win a competition somewhere- I will teach her to pole dance because it will teach her about her body and her sexuality in a healthy and sane manner.

Clearly Anderson’s question about where someone would “go” after learning to pole dance is based not just on his lack of understanding about the value of the sensuality of the movement, but is also designed to point out that pole dancing has no organizational strength.  And here, he also has a point.  We are so new that we do not yet have all of the things that other sports have to show their validity: scholarships, corporate sponsors, official coaches, etc.   But that will come, if we want it to.

I think the question is, do we want it to?  Goldie Hawn’s parting advice to the brave trio was to take the sexuality out of the movement and out of the marketing campaign immediately.  But should we really do that?  It brings us back to the age-old debate: Do we jettison sexuality in favor of mainstream acceptance of pole dancing? 

Personally, I don’t think that will ever happen.  But what this interview highlighted was just how confused people are about what pole dancing is. 

My personal belief is that until we can defend the value of the inherent sensuality of the movement, we will face ridicule and misunderstanding from the general public.  The truth of the matter is the majority of pole dance studios (in the US anyway) are focused on the sensual aspect of pole.  It is impossible to argue that pole is a sport and a form of fitness only while marketing classes as a form of sensual empowerment and putting on shows that highlight the sensual nature of pole dancing.   We need to address the issue of sensuality, the inherent value of the sexiness of the movement before we can defend it as nothing more than a form of fitness.

I wish Anderson Cooper and Goldie Hawn had been far more curious in their line of questioning.  I wish they stuck to their promise of having a “chat” about the topic with these ladies, rather than assault-style questioning.  Because perhaps then, all the beautiful aspects of pole could have been shared and understood by people around the country.  Next time ladies…next time.

How To Look at a Woman

I almost posted this picture without any words.  But you know how I like to have to have an opinion on things. 

This picture argues that based on her hemline alone a woman can be judged on her moral character and her sexual nature.  Of course, this kind of thinking is not new.  And while the idea that a rape victim is “asking for it” based on her clothing choice is considered unacceptable by many in the U.S. today, if a woman dresses provocatively and then complains about the attention she receives, most people are less than sympathetic.  Because she was asking for it, right?

It’s complicated.

On the one hand, many women acknowledge that dressing provocatively will almost always result in male attention (if the men are straight).   But men are going to notice a woman no matter what she wears. Whether it's an ankle or wrist underneath a burka or super cleavage, the female body draws attention. The question is, what is that quality of attention? Is it respectful and admiring of a woman's beauty? Does it change depending on how much of her body she is willing to expose? Do we make assumptions about where she loses her rights to be treated with respect based on her level of dress or undress? Because that is not right. Every woman is deserving of protection and respect for her beauty no matter how she is dressed.  And men will always look. 

Personally, I don't think it is problematic that men look at women. It think it is the kind of attention they give a woman and all the assumptions they carry with them about her based on her appearance, occupation, or whatever that is troubling. Women do it to women too.   How many times have you been called a slut by another woman because you pole dance?  Here is the thing: Overt displays of sexuality by a woman do not give you more of a right to judge, touch, shame or violate that woman’s boundaries in any way.  But they also don’t mean that you have to act like they are not happening.  There is a way of turning your gaze towards a sexually provocative woman that is neither demeaning nor dismissive.  There is a way of appreciating a woman’s beauty that acknowledges your own feelings without disrespecting her.

There are women who dress and behave in provocative manner because they are sexually disempowered.  There are women who dress conservatively because they are sexually disempowered.  There are also women who dress provocatively and conservatively because they are sexually empowered and clear in their values, desires and boundaries.  It would be nice if we could acknowledge and honor these choices.  It would also be nice if women felt truly free to make these choices from an authentic place. I cringe at superficial displays of sexual empowerment as much as I cringe at attacks on pole dancing that make it out to be the latest development in raunch culture.  But even if a woman is choosing to put it all out there because she is deeply insecure, needs attention and feels worthless isn’t carefully choosing to ignore her behavior versus shaming her for it the kind and right thing to do?

Another issue that comes into play with the male gaze is that women, because of a their fear of being threatened physically or judged or otherwise bothered, are not receptive at all to male attention and respond to it by becoming angry. At times this is justified. If someone is belittling you, of course you are going to be pissed.  At the same time, I think women are so conditioned to respond negatively to any male attention that they reflexively shut a man down, even when he is simply admiring her beauty.  The opposite side of that coin is that they feel they have to say yes or accept any advances because they don’t know how to set boundaries.

I used to get really angry when men would whistle at me or try to pick me up or say "Dddaaaaaammmnnn" when I walked by them. If I was wearing something revealing I would inevitably feel shame too.  I was sure that I had “asked for it” and that this meant I was a very bad girl.  (Turns out I am, and that’s a good thing, but that’s another blog.)

Today, I smile back at whoever is paying me the compliment (because, yes, I think it's a compliment when a man notices my beauty in a playful way) and say thank you.  I have had men hang out of car windows and yell at me about my beautiful ass, I have had them wave politely from trucks, I have had them smile at me across cafes, I have had them stare unabashedly at me in bars and I have had them stop me in the streets to tell me I’m beautiful and ask me if I have boyfriend.   I always respond with kindness.  If they try to pick me up I politely tell them I am not available.  Most men back off. Most men are grateful that I did not verbally emasculate them for paying me a compliment and taking the initiative to try and introduce themselves. 

I don't find most male attention demeaning or threatening. Even more importantly, because I engage men, I know when it IS truly threatening (versus judgmental, or just playful, or a little rude) and that makes me feel safer in the world.  Maybe I sound completely naïve. But let me tell you, my approach towards men today works far, far better then the shut down, fear-based responses I used to take with them.

And yet, while I think women need to be more open to positive male attention, and recognize that most men do not want to hurt them, it’s my belief that the ultimate responsibility for safety lays not in a woman and her choice in dress and behavior, but in the man who is giving the attention. The idea that it is EVER a woman's fault for any kind of boundary violation - including unwanted, unkind attention - is the same mentality that puts rape squarely on the victim's shoulders. "She was asking for it." Bullshit.  As men, it is your job to learn to control your instincts, learn to respect women in all their states of dress and undress and take responsibility for your reactions to your own arousal, disgust, pleasure or whatever else comes up when you see the female form. And until that happens, not a whole lot is going to change in the world.

Respect For Pole Class Please

While traditions vary among different dojos, the approach to martial arts training is generally one of respect for the space, the teacher and the practice.  This is also true of yoga studios, which frequently offer classes in exchange for seva (or service).


But, in my experience, this is not as true of pole dance studios. And personally, I think that is a shame.  Not only do I think it is a shame, I think it does a disservice to students, the teachers and to the pole industry.  Maybe I’m old-fashioned.  Maybe I take my pole dancing a little too seriously.   But I think pole dancing is not just about you – it’s about the community a studio creates.

Read more from my latest blog at Bad Kitty Exoticwear!

And don't forget to vote for my blog in the 10K Scholarship competition HERE! 
Vote for Claire!

The Pole Story Blog is up for a 10,000 Scholarship!

I'm super excited to announce that The Pole Story blog was nominated for a 10,000.00 Scholarship by CollegeScholarships.org.  But I need your help to win!!  The winner is determined by popular vote.

YOU CAN VOTE HERE FOR ME ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY until NOVEMBER 28TH.
(Claire Griffin Sterrett)

I'm partly excited because, let's face it, Graduate School is insanely expensive.  For those of you that don't know, I'm currently pursuing a Masters in Social Work with a focus on Community Planning and Organization and a subspecialty in Military Culture at the University of Southern California.  My goal is to help veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars through somatic based therapies and through advocacy work.

Of course, The Pole Story is about women, pole dance, and politics. Which is why my secret plan is to teach pole movement to women transitioning out of the military as a way to support them through the change.

But the MAIN reason I'm excited about being a finalist in this scholarship is because it means that there is a blog on POLE DANCING that has won some mainstream academic recognition! And that is awesome for EVERYONE in our COMMUNITY! 

So please please let's show the world how strong we are as a community! 

A Vote for my blog is a Vote for the Pole World! 

photo by George Grigorian

Stop Violence Against Women

"If, as pole dancers, we truly believe in female empowerment, then we should believe that empowerment is the birthright of every woman, and seek to protect it. And if we believe that part of our responsibility – indeed our mission – is to help redefine the way our culture views women and sensuality, and to advocate on behalf of any woman’s right to dance sensually without danger of persecution, then it is also our responsibility to speak out publicly when we see these rights being violated.  And it is our responsibility to take action and put pressure on our political leaders to make changes, and pass bills that will protect our bodies, and the bodies of our sisters, our friends, our wives and our daughters."  Read more of my latest blog at Bad Kitty!

Why Pole Makes You Sexually Empowered

If we want to empower young women to make healthy sexual decisions, then it would be wise to begin teaching them to engage with their sexuality, rather than to guard their purity.  It would be wise to teach them that they can have responsible sexual experiences and that their sexuality comes from within.  Anyone who pole dances already knows this – or is learning it.  Why? Because she is getting in touch with her inner sensuality, and learning what feels good and right to her – from within.


Want to read more?  Go to my latest blog at Bad Kitty!

How to Handle Emotional Crisis in the Pole Classroom

Ever wonder what to do when your student has an emotional meltdown in class? Click HERE to read my latest post on the Bad Kitty Blog!

Yoga is to Spirituality as Pole is to ____?

What is the essence of pole to you?  Click HERE to read my latest blog at Bad Kitty!

New Blog on Bad Kitty!

New Illinois "Skin Tax" Reinforces an Outdated View of Women, Sex and Strippers

Click HERE to read the latest Pole Story Blog!

It Is Better to Have Loved and Lost...

Have you ever felt like your heart was being shredded? That it was just so full of sorrow that it might explode through that tight place on your breastbone?  And do you know that feeling you get in your throat, right before your tears start spilling out onto your cheeks and off the bridge of your nose? Like it’s so tight it would hurt to swallow? That’s how I feel right now. 

I hate loss. But I think the grief that comes with loss has the potential to be purifying.  Whenever I cry, Teddy takes my face gently in both his hands and murmurs, “Aw, hon…” while he carefully wipes the tears away with his thumbs.  Teddy loves me. I can feel it in his touch; in the way he puts his hand on the small of my back every time we cross a street.  I see it in the way he looks at me with love even when he is completely exasperated with me, and the way he takes care of me, and my cats, and my home.  He seems to take pleasure in making me breakfast every morning he is here, and waking me up with a kiss and a “Good Morning Kitty”. During the week, when he is at work as an air traffic controller for the Marines, and we are apart, he still wishes me a good morning kitty and sends a kiss via text.  Every morning, without fail, no matter how early he has to get up.  And at night, when we cannot sleep in each other’s arms, he says goodnight the same way.  “Goodnight Kitty.  Sweet Dreams. Kiss. I love you.”  To which I always respond, “Goodnight Baby. Sweet dreams. Kiss. I love you too.”  There is some thing so tender about being the first thing someone thinks of in the morning, and the last thing they think of before they fall asleep at night.  But he was that for me, just as I was that for him.

There is no real reason Teddy and I broke up.  We fought very little and laughed a lot.  We had adventures together.  We supported one another through difficult times and life altering changes.  And we cheered one another’s successes.  We fit.  There was harmony. And joy. A lot of it.  The biggest struggle was perhaps the distance.  We saw each other only on weekends and sometimes, during the week, the stress of being apart would create tension.  Teddy used to joke that he was going to stop calling me because the only time we ever fought was on the phone. He was right. The second we were in each other’s presence, any lingering anger or fear would instantly melt away. 

There is this book called “A General Theory of Love”.  It talks about why we are attracted to and fall in love with certain types of people, but from a neurobiological perspective.  It’s nerdy and spot on, and so of course I love it.  They use a term called “limbic resonance” to describe that feeling of mutual attunement that lovers have with one another.  From a neurobiological perspective, limbic resonance is literally two nervous systems that are dancing together.  This happens not just between lovers, but also between mothers and infants and even close friends and siblings. It has the effect of helping people to regulate their emotional states.  Teddy and I had this in spades.  He would walk in the door, and I would feel my whole body relax.  Apparently I did the same for him (which, for those of you who know me and my high levels of anxious energy, seems absurd). 

I have never felt more cherished than I did with Teddy.  Despite our thirteen-year age difference and him being the younger one, he was, unfailingly, the man of the relationship.  With him I knew that I could relax, because whatever “it” was, would be taken care of.  He found my spastic outbursts (which usually led to me inadvertently inflicting pain on him or myself) amusing.  If I hurt myself he was there in a half second, arms wrapped around me, making sure everything was ok.  He never let me open a door.  He made sure he walked on the street side of the sidewalk.  He fixed things around the house that I presumed were either unfixable or completely out of my scope of knowledge (which is of course, limited).  If I was particularly overwrought he would just hold me in his arms, and tell me to breathe, and kiss me until I calmed down.  He wanted to talk about things.  He put our relationship first as much as he could, especially given the demands of his job.  He didn’t expect me to be anything other than a woman, and accepted that meant that I would be emotional, irrational at times, excited about house wares and clothes, and uninterested in sports.  He loved my femininity. And it didn’t hurt that he knew how to shoot a rifle, fight, and wore cammies to work. 

At times, we felt our age difference.  Particularly when we had to listen to each other’s music. Especially when we talked about the future.  Teddy was perhaps more committed to a future than I was for a long time.  He saw the differences and believed they were workable.  I saw them too, but at 36, I saw them from a different vantage point, and felt I could never ask him to commit to a lifetime with me.  I wish I were wrong.  I still hope that I am.  I know in my heart – the same one that is aching with the pain of our separation – that I am not.   He knows it too.  But then again, our hearts often lead us astray.

A month ago, Teddy got orders from Quantico.  He leaves for Okinawa in December for the rest of his enlistment, which is 2 ½ years. I am not going with him. One of the last things Teddy said to me was that he couldn’t stand being together knowing that we had an expiration date.  That it felt forced.  And that is no way to be with someone.  He is right.  For the past month, since we got the news, neither one of us has slept well and our time together has been marked with tears and grief at the impending end of our relationship. It seems so stupid that two people who bring each other so much pleasure and joy should have to separate.  Teddy has a huge, generous heart.  I do too.  And so together, we would take all the joy and love between us, and we would, without ever outwardly discussing it or agreeing on it, spread it around to others.  We liked to help people, our friends in particular.  We liked to share our joy and our good fortune with others.

I hate loss. But I hate the Hallmark, pop psychology sentiments that people thoughtlessly offer in times of loss even more.  Along with the expectation that we just “keep going”.  So I was thrilled when my friend Meghan recently sent me the following quote: “I admire those who buck the cultural expectation that we move on quickly after a loss as huge as the end of a [relationship].  If we do not suffer a loss all the way to the end, it will wait for us.  It won’t just disappear.  It will fester and we will experience its sorrow later, in strange forms.”  It was like salve on a wound.  And it’s the absolute truth.  I have seen the later forms of undealt-with sorrow. It’s not pretty. So while I sit here, hating the ache in my heart, and the stickiness of my tears, feeling lonely as all hell and a little angry at the world, I also feel grateful. Grateful to be able to sit with my pain and see it through to the end, however long that may take.  Grateful to have met and fell in love with Teddy.  Grateful for the exquisite year we spent together. Grateful to know that there is, out there, a man who loves me just as I am.  Even if he isn’t mine anymore.  And even if it means I have to miss him.  

New Blog Post at X-Pole

Please check out my latest post at X-Pole and comment! Click HERE!

Pole Dance Politics and Empowerment

“Empowerment is not giving people power, people already have plenty of power, in the wealth of their knowledge and motivation, to do their jobs magnificently. We define empowerment as letting this power out.” (Blanchard, K)


Pole dancers love to talk about empowerment. It’s a sexy word that brings up images of ninja goddesses twisting their bodies into impossible shapes while celebrating the raw sensuality and power of their movement. At least, that’s what the word does for me. For others, the words pole dancing and empowerment seem like a joke: what on earth is empowering about dancing around a pole in slutty stilettos? (For an answer to that question, click here.) It’s true that for many women, pole dancing class makes them feel strong, sexy, confident, and yes, empowered. But what happens when the business practices of an industry that prides itself on empowering women are in direct conflict with that particular value?
For example, pole stars who tour the country teaching workshops make their money by teaching at multiple studios in the same city. Studios who demand exclusive rights to certain pole stars when they come to city (without offering additional compensation for the lost revenue) are behaving in a way that is prohibitive to the financial well being of those pole stars, and to the industry overall. This is just one example of how the pole industry shoots itself in the foot.
I spent a long time dancing at a particular studio that I loved – until I found out that they retained the services of a copyright attorney whose sole purpose was to protect the brand of the company by (among other things) actively pursuing former teachers who were perceived to be a threat. One of my good friends, who had been through their teacher training but never taught at the studio, called me to tell me she was being harassed with emails from the studio’s lawyer because of a picture on her yoga website which showed her doing a pose that supposedly “belonged” to the studio curriculum. I was shocked. And I made the decision that I no longer wanted to give my money to a company that spent its time tracking down perceived threats instead of giving its receptionists raises. When attempting to promote my book at my home studio, I was told that it did not represent the brand adequately and there was concern about my references to “the pole dancing movement” rather than to the studio exclusively. My posts were deleted from all of their FB pages and I was defriended. This was extremely ironic given the fact that most of what I wrote about did nothing but promote and support much of this studio’s work, and bring solid psychological underpinning to its curriculum – something no one else at that studio could have done. Nevertheless, it is that studio’s right to carry out their business practices as they see fit. But it gave me pause. How could a studio that preaches female empowerment be so narrow?
Other examples of pole business practices that disempower women include bogus teacher trainings that are designed to make the studio money, rather than provide students with well-prepared, savvy and safe instructors, competitions that fail to adhere to basic safety practices and organizational skills (usually because the organizer is primarily interested in making money) and of course, bullying.
Think there is no such thing as bullying in the pole world? Think again.
A competitor decides on a last minute wardrobe change for comfort reasons and the owner of the competition accuses her of trying to promote another brand at her competition. A studio accuses another studio of stealing a workshop idea and denounces them publicly on Facebook. Upon discovering that a teacher is teaching Pilates at another pole studio, a studio fires its teacher 5 days before the start of a session, leaving the students hanging and pursuing aggressive legal action against that teacher, despite having previously agreed to the arrangement. Students are falsely warned to not compete at a particular competition because the equipment is “unsafe”. A pole dance event agrees to take money from a company for their show in exchange for prominent and exclusive advertising and then does not honor that agreement. A company offers a sponsorship contract to an unwitting pole star that gives them complete control over the athlete through vague legal language and loopholes. The list goes on.
It would seem that there are two different issues in each of these scenarios. The first is how women handle competition and aggression. According to Dr. Erika Holiday, women tend to hurt one another because of feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred in the face of intense competition. Because a woman feels like she has no place to turn, she keeps everyone else in line and hurts them for being deviant or straying from the norm (From Mean Girls, Meaner Women). This topic merits a blog unto itself, so stay tuned for my review of Dr. Holiday’s book, and how it applies to the pole world.
The second issue is what happens when a company preaches female empowerment while its business practices embrace cutthroat, greedy and single-minded tactics. And is it possible to grow a company in a way that is both successful and ethical? For more answers, I turned to Jack Gaffney, President and CEO of Bad Kitty Exoticwear.



CS: Many people refer to pole dancing as a "grass roots movement". How do you think such a movement can co-exist with current corporate businesses as a model for expansion? Are the two mutually exclusive?


JG: Pole is definitely a grass roots movement. I often compare it to snowboarding or skateboarding on many levels, and I have written a few blogs on that topic (Click here to read those blogs). But pole has a major advantage over those two Movements: social media.
There are over 800 million people on Facebook alone, and within 5 minutes a newbie to pole can become completely entrenched into the global community. Technology has connected our planet like it has never been connected before with instant access to just about anything you could want. Social media has played an intricate role in toppling political regimes, organizing such things as Occupy Wall Street and the Arab Spring. In the pole world, Bad Kitty has customers in over 50 countries as of today. Prior to having social media at our disposal, that could have taken a decade to achieve. In my opinion, this is one of the main reasons pole has seen such explosive growth in such a short time. Not only do we have the ability to watch a live event, but literally within seconds after a performance a video can be uploaded and shared across the planet. This creates a MASSIVE amount of exposure and piques interest to new people every day. As the mainstream sees more people embracing pole, they open up to accepting it and past stereotypes begin to be erased.


In regards to corporate businesses co-existing with local studios as a model of expansion, I believe it can in fact be a mutually beneficial relationship as opposed to mutually exclusive one. However in order for that to happen the corporate entities need to take a Top Down approach and not only understand their customers, but their customer’s business. I subscribe to the theory that a "rising tide lifts all boats". When we entered the pole industry it was much smaller than it is today. We realized that in order for us to be successful, we needed pole to be accepted and successful. And because pole studios are a local business, we needed to come up with creative ways to help studios grow their student base, get exposure locally and focus on their core offering which is, of course lessons.  This is why we sponsor athletes and events - the show must go on if you will. Our customers depend on our sponsorship dollars to put on these events. Every studio owner has similar wants and needs.
For example, our PoleFit line of apparel for was created for the community with the assistance of the community. It is the community’s line as much as it is ours. We beta test new products with pole dancers all over the world and get feedback, then make changes etc.



Doing business this way takes more time, but in the long run we feel we are delivering the best product available to our customers and we are more than willing to be patient and open to feedback. In addition, we made a decision to only allow pole studio owners to purchase at wholesale prices. We have rejected over 200 wholesale accounts this year alone because they are not a "Pole" company. What we did in fact was create an exclusive product for an exclusive community and granted exclusive rights to distribute the product to the community members.  Studio owners can apply this new revenue to keeping prices lower for classes, expanding their studio, marketing, hiring and/or training new instructors etc. By conducting business in this fashion we do not compete with our studios, but rather we enable them to create a secondary revenue stream within their studio and take a role in assisting with the product development.


Moving forward in 2012 we will be launching a suite of new business related technology services to pole studio owners. I cannot get into specifics at this time but I can say that we have spent almost 18 months developing some of these features and the entire offering is designed to increase local awareness, drive traffic into studios and make their jobs a lot easier and more efficient. Everything we have built out thus far has been built in the same manner as PoleFit: through lots of conversations with lots of people and specific solutions built custom for pole studios’ needs.
So to summarize my answer to your question: corporate entities need to be a large part and take a lead in the grass roots movement and become a part of the community which supports their business. They need to give back, be committed, honest and transparent...all things that come from the heart.

CS: Do you think there is a "socially responsible" and "socially irresponsible" way of growing businesses? How does the pole industry fit into these models?


JG: Yes, but not just socially responsible, but overall responsible. We subscribe to "The Golden Rule" which is of course: treat others the way in which you would like to be treated yourself. This is the simplest rule in existence, but one that is rarely followed. The students and fans of pole are in fact the MOST important part of this entire movement. Without students, a studio could not exist, without studios, Pole Stars would have nowhere to travel to, without students and fans there would be no events and our own company would not be as successful. It all comes back to the students and any pole business, whether it’s a studio, a pole manufacturer, an apparel company should be extremely thankful for EVERYONE who chooses do business with them. A company’s main focus should be to keep them happy, safe and wanting more. The easiest way of insuring this is to constantly solicit feedback and ask questions - simple questions like "Are you having fun?" and “What do you like best about our studio/product, what would you change and why?” In many instances, people may make suggestions that are easily implemented and other times not. But in those instances, being open and transparent about decisions is always the best approach. If people are left in the dark, they will form their own opinion and that opinion may be unfounded.

An example from our own business is sizing. In many of our new releases from the PoleFit line, we only launched with sizes small and medium. Shortly after the launch we received a lot of emails of customers who were really upset and accused us of only making products for small people, and assumed we had something against larger women. In fact, this couldn't be further from the truth. The fact is that certain styles "as cut" in small & medium require redesign before they can be "graded" upwards or downwards in size. If we failed to properly grade the garment, it would not function or fit properly thus creating a bad user experience. We had made an assumption that everyone somehow knew this...which was a mistake.  We grade the garment by going to the community, asking for beta testers of certain sizes and sending them product to test and give us feedback. We then take all this data, re-tool the garment and send them back out for more testing. It isn't until we get it right that we will release it, and honestly, some styles just wont work for a 36DD the same way they will for a 32B. In addition, extremely active Polers have muscle where the vast majority of women do not, typically in the lats and shoulders, so we have found that Pole Wear needs much more research & development than most would imagine. The moral of the story is that once we explained this to these folks, most were extremely happy with the answers. In fact most were ecstatic! No one was right or wrong - it is simply that perception can quickly become reality. You may never know the perception of your company until you dig deep, ask questions and give honest answers.


My advice to studio owners is to constantly ask your students questions, have instructors ask questions and really LISTEN to what they say. Don’t get defensive - they are helping you help them. If there is something they want and you can’t provide it, explain why. That would be the most responsible way of growing your business.


CS: In light of the fact that pole dancing prides itself as "empowering women everywhere" are there, in your opinion, business models/practices that should be followed? Avoided?


JG: Yes, in regards to business practices that should be followed, I would refer back to the golden rule: Treat others in the way in which you yourself would like to be treated. Studio owners are empowering women in so many ways: physically, mentally, sexually, socially. But I think some studio owners lose sight of the fact that the "door swings both ways" - meaning the owner/instructors receive a great deal of empowerment in return. Empowerment is like respect: it is a give and take. Owners and instructors are typically leaders by nature and leaders have a responsibility to their followers - the biggest of which is to teach. It is difficult to get an employee, train them, teach them, empower them and then watch them leave and form their own business. One can take 2 views on something like this: The first is to be proud and supportive. After all you have just helped someone go out on their own, a testament to your abilities as a teacher. The other view, and sadly one I have seen too often, is to become angry, upset, feel betrayed, become nervous about losing students etc. But you cannot teach and preach empowerment and then become distressed when your teaching is successful. As we know, every situation is unique, and every story has 3 sides, one side, the other side and the truth. Since this scenario is fairly common my suggestion would be to REALLY empower your students and employees. Have these conversations early on, discover the wants and needs of your employees, what are THEIR goals, and how can you help them achieve them...ALL of them. I would think having a fully trained, completely skilled and fully empowered staff member looking to venture out on their own would be a fantastic way of growing your own business. After all, starting a new business is difficult: there is branding, location, software, scheduling, insurance, etc. The student/teacher role doesn't need to vanish. In fact it can blossom to an even higher level. Collaboration and partnerships are an incredibly effective way of growing a business and 90% of the time it will make both parties more successful than if they had they gone about it on their own.

In regards to what to avoid: I would say the hardest thing to avoid as a business owner is competition - both internal competition and external competition. Here is the TRUTH about competition: It exists, it always has existed and it always will. If you have built something successful others will look to duplicate your success. But at all costs do not ever let competition consume you. If someone wants to copy everything you do, there is not much you can do about it. But remember that if you are being copied, YOU are still the innovator. YOU are still first. When they copy you, it shows that they have a difficult time coming up with original ideas or recruiting good talent. Focus instead on your own business and what you should/could be doing. It is next to impossible to stop someone from copying you, and unless you are prepared for a long, drawn out and expensive court fight it probably isn’t worth the battle -unless it is malicious and blatantly and truly damaging to your company. So allowing these copycats to consume your psyche will only end up hurting you in the long run. It will cause you to lose focus or worse shift your focus to reacting. Be pro-active, innovative, unique, honest, skilled, open to change and transparent. Create a fun environment and you will do just fine. Is it frustrating, but in my experience if someone’s business model is to replicate and rip off someone else’s ideas that business model will usually fail. Those who implement such strategies are typically only interested in PROFIT and MONEY. There is no emotional connection, and rarely is anything done that doesn’t have a profit or exploitive nature to it. Very few people have loyalty to businesses like this. Seth Godin, author of the book Tribes, states that "Leadership comes when your hope and your optimism are matched with a concrete vision of the future and a way to get there." Those that are leaders understand this intuitively and passionately. Those that follow, copy and "rip off" do not. They are not leaders. They are opportunists disguised as leaders and they can only hide behind facade for so long before being exposed.
Finally, sharing ideas and borrowing ideas from other owners is a great way to streamline successes. The scenarios described above are typically very local studios - sometimes within minutes from one another. But if you are in Texas, why not share ideas with other owners in Florida, or New York ? This is the trend we LOVE to see, and this is real empowerment.
CS: Thanks for the insight Jack !



In other words, true empowerment in the business model means creating an environment where creativity, cooperation and compassion are the cornerstones for success.  In other words, an environment where your employees can thrive. So what happens when a company creates an environment where its employees can thrive? Karen Possessky, LCSW, gives us the scoop on the psyche situation. “When you have a company that cultivates an ethical climate good business is a natural byproduct. In organizational ethics, tone is set by the leadership and trickles down to the employees. When employees experience ethical treatment and observe ethical practices, they themselves act ethically, which translates into good treatment of the customers. When that is not cultivated, a sense of helplessness and every man for himself mentality emerges: if management doesn’t care, then why should I care? The system is dysfunctional and the employee is forced to function in a way that is survival based. If the employee doesn’t need to worry about their own survival, they are free to take care of the customer and do their job.”


That sounds like reason enough to follow the Golden Rule if you ask me.






For more information on Bad Kitty go to www.badkittyexoticwear.com