I almost posted this picture
without any words. But you know
how I like to have to have an opinion on things.
This picture argues that based on
her hemline alone a woman can be judged on her moral character and her sexual
nature. Of course, this kind of
thinking is not new. And while the
idea that a rape victim is “asking for it” based on her clothing choice is
considered unacceptable by many in the U.S. today, if a woman dresses
provocatively and then complains about the attention
she receives, most people are less than sympathetic. Because she was asking for it, right?
It’s complicated.
On the one hand, many women
acknowledge that dressing provocatively will almost always result in male
attention (if the men are straight). But men are going to notice a woman no matter what she
wears. Whether it's an ankle or wrist underneath a burka or super cleavage, the
female body draws attention. The question is, what is that quality of
attention? Is it respectful and admiring of a woman's beauty? Does it change
depending on how much of her body she is willing to expose? Do we make
assumptions about where she loses her rights to be treated with respect based
on her level of dress or undress? Because that is not right. Every woman is
deserving of protection and respect for her beauty no matter how she is
dressed. And men will always
look.
Personally, I don't think it is
problematic that men look at women. It think it is the kind of attention they
give a woman and all the assumptions they carry with them about her based on
her appearance, occupation, or whatever that is troubling. Women do it to women
too. How many times have you
been called a slut by another woman because you pole dance? Here is the thing: Overt displays of
sexuality by a woman do not give you more of a right to judge, touch, shame or
violate that woman’s boundaries in any way. But they also don’t mean that you have to act like they are
not happening. There is a way of
turning your gaze towards a sexually provocative woman that is neither
demeaning nor dismissive. There is
a way of appreciating a woman’s beauty that acknowledges your own feelings
without disrespecting her.
There are women who dress and
behave in provocative manner because they are sexually disempowered. There are women who dress
conservatively because they are sexually disempowered. There are also women who dress
provocatively and conservatively because they are sexually empowered and clear
in their values, desires and boundaries.
It would be nice if we could acknowledge and honor these choices. It would also be nice if women felt
truly free to make these choices from an authentic place. I cringe at
superficial displays of sexual empowerment as much as I cringe at attacks on
pole dancing that make it out to be the latest development in raunch culture. But even if a woman is choosing to put
it all out there because she is deeply insecure, needs attention and feels worthless
isn’t carefully choosing to ignore her behavior versus shaming her for it the
kind and right thing to do?
Another issue that comes into
play with the male gaze is that women, because of a their fear of being
threatened physically or judged or otherwise bothered, are not receptive at all
to male attention and respond to it by becoming angry. At times this is
justified. If someone is belittling you, of course you are going to be pissed. At the same time, I think women are so
conditioned to respond negatively to any male attention that they reflexively
shut a man down, even when he is simply admiring her beauty. The opposite side of that coin is that
they feel they have to say yes or accept any advances because they don’t know
how to set boundaries.
I used to get really angry when
men would whistle at me or try to pick me up or say "Dddaaaaaammmnnn"
when I walked by them. If I was wearing something revealing I would inevitably
feel shame too. I was sure that I
had “asked for it” and that this meant I was a very bad girl. (Turns out I am, and that’s a good
thing, but that’s another blog.)
Today, I smile back at whoever is
paying me the compliment (because, yes, I think it's a compliment when a man
notices my beauty in a playful way) and say thank you. I have had men hang out of car windows
and yell at me about my beautiful ass, I have had them wave politely from
trucks, I have had them smile at me across cafes, I have had them stare unabashedly
at me in bars and I have had them stop me in the streets to tell me I’m
beautiful and ask me if I have boyfriend. I always respond with kindness. If they try to pick me up I politely
tell them I am not available. Most
men back off. Most men are grateful that I did not verbally emasculate them for
paying me a compliment and taking the initiative to try and introduce
themselves.
I don't find most male attention demeaning
or threatening. Even more importantly, because I engage men, I know when it IS
truly threatening (versus judgmental, or just playful, or a little rude) and
that makes me feel safer in the world. Maybe I sound completely naïve. But let me tell you, my
approach towards men today works far, far better then the shut down, fear-based
responses I used to take with them.
And yet, while I think women need
to be more open to positive male attention, and recognize that most men do not
want to hurt them, it’s my belief that the ultimate responsibility for safety
lays not in a woman and her choice in dress and behavior, but in the man who is
giving the attention. The idea that it is EVER a woman's fault for any kind of boundary
violation - including unwanted, unkind attention - is the same mentality that
puts rape squarely on the victim's shoulders. "She was asking for
it." Bullshit. As men, it is
your job to learn to control your instincts, learn to respect women in all
their states of dress and undress and take responsibility for your reactions to
your own arousal, disgust, pleasure or whatever else comes up when you see the
female form. And until that happens, not a whole lot is going to change in the
world.
