It's My Hot Body, I Do What I Want.

Today the founder of Boing Boing wrote a justifiably angry blog about a TSA officer who shamed his 15 year-old daughter for her outfit.  Evidently the guy told her to "Cover up".  You can read the story and see what she was wearing (totally innocent) here.  The story struck a chord with me because I remember getting a similar message from an authority figure at around that same age.

Me in high school.

When I was a sophomore in high school I was part of a group of girls that rang the bells in the National Cathedral tower.  I joined the group mostly because of pressure from my best friend.  But because I was a super-nerd I kind of liked it, and I stuck with it.  I went to an all-girls school and for the most part, I was completely comfortable with my appearance because I was around women 90% of the time.  Unfortunately I was also achingly self-conscious the second I was in front of any boys.  Our brother school was just on the other side of the Cathedral, a city block away, and I remember walking that direction on multiple occasions and distinctly feeling my stomach tighten up into little knots.  Oddly, any males who worked at my school were exempt from this stomach-tightening rule because it was as though they were gender-neutral.  And maybe because they seemed old.

The gentleman who led the bell ringers at my school was a quiet and serious man who was my father's age.  He would escort us across the close and up the tower to the bells and ask us about our studies and other matters.  He was always very respectful towards us. Anyway, on one of our weekly treks over to the bell tower we were chatting in a group, as we always did.  I said something to the teacher - I truly cannot remember what.  But his response is forever seared in my mind.  "Well LOOK at you!" he barked angrily.  "You have your belly half hanging out of your shirt and God knows what!  What do you expect?!" I froze.  My stomach felt like it had been kicked and my face turned bright red.  He was shaming me.  He was visibly angry at me for my appearance.  I felt so small and so embarrassed and very, very bad.

By the way, not that it matters, but here is what I was wearing: jeans, Doc Martens, a white V-neck undershirt that had the bottom cut off so it fit me and a flannel shirt tied around my waist. I remember thinking, "My shirt is too short. I'm inappropriate." Never mind that my school had a dress code that prohibited midriff exposure and I surely would have gotten detention that day if I was in fact violating the dress code. 

It took me a few weeks to figure out that he was mad because he had noticed that two inches of skin across my belly that showed when I raised my arms to illustrate a point.  And maybe he didn't like what it made him think or feel.  And so he put that right back on me.

I left the club eventually.  But not before we took a road trip with this same teacher to ring in different bell towers in New England. (I know, it's so WASP-y.)  Because we had long trips in the van, it was suggested that we bring some reading material.  So I did.  I brought my sexiest, dirtiest romance novels.  They are tame by today's standards, but at the time they were pretty bold.  And much to the delight of all the girls, I offered to read them out loud.  They agreed.  And so, in my best voice, I would carefully turn to the dirtiest parts of the novels and read them loudly and clearly to the entire van, including our teacher.

He claimed he never heard a word.  But I took great pleasure in watching his ears turn red while he
tried to tune out the filth that was pouring from of my mouth as the girls exploded in shrieks and laughter. 
I'm not sure I knew quite what I was doing at the time, but in hindsight it seems like clear payback for making me feel like I needed to cover up, or be ashamed in any way of my appearance or my body or my sexuality.  I do remember taking great pleasure in what I perceived to be a fair humiliation of my teacher.

What I wish I had internalized then, and what I hope every woman learns early on in her life, is that another person's shaming behavior towards your sexuality or your body is never a reflection on you.  Rather, it's a reflection of their own discomfort with and prejudices about sexuality. I do not think this teacher is a bad man or that he did something evil and wrong. But I do think that this story, much like the one about the TSA agent, illustrates the insidious and damaging cultural beliefs we have about who has agency over the female body - particularly when it comes to a woman's ability to arouse.

Why We Can't Move Past the Sexy Stigma

In September, three brave women went on Anderson Cooper to defend their kids’ right to pole dance.  I watched the show several times and several things popped into my head straightaway.  First, I was disappointed.

What disappointed me about the show was that Anderson Cooper and Goldie Hawn cast pole dancing into such a black and white light.  Is it sexy or is it not sexy? Well, the truth is, it’s both.  And like everything in this world, what pole is depends on the context in which it is being explored.  And yet, this narrow attempt to define pole dancing in an oversimplified way highlighted not just how little the general public knows about pole but also how the pole dance community lacks a strong defining image.  When Anderson Cooper points out that the adult classes focus on “increasing the libido” and have overtly sexual names like “sexy-flexy” and “babes on bikes”, he is making a very valid point: How can you say what you are doing is not sexual when all of your adult classes focus on sexuality? We cannot, as a community, vigorously argue that we want to move past the stereotype of pole as a sexy activity and then market our classes as sexy.  It makes no sense.  We, as a pole community have to be clear on our message and our definitions of pole, and paradoxically, we have to be able to defend the sexy in order to defend the fitness.

Another problem I saw with Anderson’s line of thinking and therefore his questioning was the assumption that pole dancing will somehow lead girls down a shameful, sex-driven, promiscuous path of harlotry and immoral behavior.  He asked two versions of the same question.  The first was, “Why pole dancing?  Why not something with less of a sexual connotation?”  The second was, “Once they reach maturity, THEN what happens?” 

I love these kinds of questions because they reveal our culture’s innate reaction to female sexuality:  Keep it secret and keep it safe.

As if a woman who learns the art of sexuality and pleasure through dance is also learning to disrespect her body and her sexuality.  I would argue that in fact, the opposite is true.

One of the biggest concerns with young women and sex today is that they often view sex and sexuality as something you give as a performance for attention, rather than something you engage in because you want to.  There is a psychologist named Deborah Tolman who has written extensively on this topic.  She talks to girls about their experience of “wanting” versus their experience of “sex”, which is more often than not about being wanted.  Tolman uses the phrase “silent bodies” to describe the sexual experiences of these young girls.  Whether or not these young women had sex, they had a difficult time expressing if or how they felt desire or arousal in their bodies.  They instead chose to muffle their feelings, out of fear for where it might take them, out of shame and out of anxiety.  Nevertheless, they were still engaging in sexual activities and, more often than not, these activities were described as having “just happened” to them.  This is dangerous.  When a girl does not know what her own feelings and desires are she is much more vulnerable to the power of others feelings and desires. 

If what Tolman is saying is true, then teaching young women how to develop a subjective sense of their sexual selves would actually be a solution to them giving away their sexuality, when in fact we must teach them to own it.  In other words, our culture needs to teach women how to get in touch with what desire and arousal feel like, how to experience it in their bodies, and how to express what they want and don’t want.  Pole dancing is actually an excellent vehicle for such an education.  And this is because sexuality and desire are primarily experienced in the body. 

So to turn Anderson Cooper’s line of thinking on its head, I would argue that it is important for every young woman to learn how to explore her sexuality through pole dance in a safe, all-female environment.  I won’t teach my daughter to pole dance because I want her to go to the Olympics or win a competition somewhere- I will teach her to pole dance because it will teach her about her body and her sexuality in a healthy and sane manner.

Clearly Anderson’s question about where someone would “go” after learning to pole dance is based not just on his lack of understanding about the value of the sensuality of the movement, but is also designed to point out that pole dancing has no organizational strength.  And here, he also has a point.  We are so new that we do not yet have all of the things that other sports have to show their validity: scholarships, corporate sponsors, official coaches, etc.   But that will come, if we want it to.

I think the question is, do we want it to?  Goldie Hawn’s parting advice to the brave trio was to take the sexuality out of the movement and out of the marketing campaign immediately.  But should we really do that?  It brings us back to the age-old debate: Do we jettison sexuality in favor of mainstream acceptance of pole dancing? 

Personally, I don’t think that will ever happen.  But what this interview highlighted was just how confused people are about what pole dancing is. 

My personal belief is that until we can defend the value of the inherent sensuality of the movement, we will face ridicule and misunderstanding from the general public.  The truth of the matter is the majority of pole dance studios (in the US anyway) are focused on the sensual aspect of pole.  It is impossible to argue that pole is a sport and a form of fitness only while marketing classes as a form of sensual empowerment and putting on shows that highlight the sensual nature of pole dancing.   We need to address the issue of sensuality, the inherent value of the sexiness of the movement before we can defend it as nothing more than a form of fitness.

I wish Anderson Cooper and Goldie Hawn had been far more curious in their line of questioning.  I wish they stuck to their promise of having a “chat” about the topic with these ladies, rather than assault-style questioning.  Because perhaps then, all the beautiful aspects of pole could have been shared and understood by people around the country.  Next time ladies…next time.

How To Look at a Woman

I almost posted this picture without any words.  But you know how I like to have to have an opinion on things. 

This picture argues that based on her hemline alone a woman can be judged on her moral character and her sexual nature.  Of course, this kind of thinking is not new.  And while the idea that a rape victim is “asking for it” based on her clothing choice is considered unacceptable by many in the U.S. today, if a woman dresses provocatively and then complains about the attention she receives, most people are less than sympathetic.  Because she was asking for it, right?

It’s complicated.

On the one hand, many women acknowledge that dressing provocatively will almost always result in male attention (if the men are straight).   But men are going to notice a woman no matter what she wears. Whether it's an ankle or wrist underneath a burka or super cleavage, the female body draws attention. The question is, what is that quality of attention? Is it respectful and admiring of a woman's beauty? Does it change depending on how much of her body she is willing to expose? Do we make assumptions about where she loses her rights to be treated with respect based on her level of dress or undress? Because that is not right. Every woman is deserving of protection and respect for her beauty no matter how she is dressed.  And men will always look. 

Personally, I don't think it is problematic that men look at women. It think it is the kind of attention they give a woman and all the assumptions they carry with them about her based on her appearance, occupation, or whatever that is troubling. Women do it to women too.   How many times have you been called a slut by another woman because you pole dance?  Here is the thing: Overt displays of sexuality by a woman do not give you more of a right to judge, touch, shame or violate that woman’s boundaries in any way.  But they also don’t mean that you have to act like they are not happening.  There is a way of turning your gaze towards a sexually provocative woman that is neither demeaning nor dismissive.  There is a way of appreciating a woman’s beauty that acknowledges your own feelings without disrespecting her.

There are women who dress and behave in provocative manner because they are sexually disempowered.  There are women who dress conservatively because they are sexually disempowered.  There are also women who dress provocatively and conservatively because they are sexually empowered and clear in their values, desires and boundaries.  It would be nice if we could acknowledge and honor these choices.  It would also be nice if women felt truly free to make these choices from an authentic place. I cringe at superficial displays of sexual empowerment as much as I cringe at attacks on pole dancing that make it out to be the latest development in raunch culture.  But even if a woman is choosing to put it all out there because she is deeply insecure, needs attention and feels worthless isn’t carefully choosing to ignore her behavior versus shaming her for it the kind and right thing to do?

Another issue that comes into play with the male gaze is that women, because of a their fear of being threatened physically or judged or otherwise bothered, are not receptive at all to male attention and respond to it by becoming angry. At times this is justified. If someone is belittling you, of course you are going to be pissed.  At the same time, I think women are so conditioned to respond negatively to any male attention that they reflexively shut a man down, even when he is simply admiring her beauty.  The opposite side of that coin is that they feel they have to say yes or accept any advances because they don’t know how to set boundaries.

I used to get really angry when men would whistle at me or try to pick me up or say "Dddaaaaaammmnnn" when I walked by them. If I was wearing something revealing I would inevitably feel shame too.  I was sure that I had “asked for it” and that this meant I was a very bad girl.  (Turns out I am, and that’s a good thing, but that’s another blog.)

Today, I smile back at whoever is paying me the compliment (because, yes, I think it's a compliment when a man notices my beauty in a playful way) and say thank you.  I have had men hang out of car windows and yell at me about my beautiful ass, I have had them wave politely from trucks, I have had them smile at me across cafes, I have had them stare unabashedly at me in bars and I have had them stop me in the streets to tell me I’m beautiful and ask me if I have boyfriend.   I always respond with kindness.  If they try to pick me up I politely tell them I am not available.  Most men back off. Most men are grateful that I did not verbally emasculate them for paying me a compliment and taking the initiative to try and introduce themselves. 

I don't find most male attention demeaning or threatening. Even more importantly, because I engage men, I know when it IS truly threatening (versus judgmental, or just playful, or a little rude) and that makes me feel safer in the world.  Maybe I sound completely naïve. But let me tell you, my approach towards men today works far, far better then the shut down, fear-based responses I used to take with them.

And yet, while I think women need to be more open to positive male attention, and recognize that most men do not want to hurt them, it’s my belief that the ultimate responsibility for safety lays not in a woman and her choice in dress and behavior, but in the man who is giving the attention. The idea that it is EVER a woman's fault for any kind of boundary violation - including unwanted, unkind attention - is the same mentality that puts rape squarely on the victim's shoulders. "She was asking for it." Bullshit.  As men, it is your job to learn to control your instincts, learn to respect women in all their states of dress and undress and take responsibility for your reactions to your own arousal, disgust, pleasure or whatever else comes up when you see the female form. And until that happens, not a whole lot is going to change in the world.

Looking

A few months ago, I had the pleasure of meeting Kyleanne Hunter, one of the first female Cobra helicopter pilots in the U.S. Marine Corps and a strong, unapologetic and beautiful woman.  We quickly recognized a kindred spirit between us, and I asked if I could interview her for my blog as well as re-post some of her blogs on The Pole Story.  She graciously agreed.  What struck me about Ky's writing was that despite clear external differences in occupation and career, there was a great deal of similarity in our struggle to define ourselves as women through non-traditional roles.  Read on to find out more about the amazing Ky.

"I'd rather be looked over, than overlooked" - Mae West

I never really had a choice. I was always taller than the average girl, but was definitely not a boy. Physically, I kept up with the boys from 4-year-old soccer team; perhaps a portend to the future being captain of the boy's waterpolo team in high school, beating my male counterparts on the endurance course and PFTs in the Marine Corps, and racing in men's races on the bike. I'm 5'11", and, shall we say, have curves; still definitely not a boy. Even my name, Kyleanne, stands out as unique. I stand out in a crowd. Not exactly overlooked.

However, the past decade of my professional life has, on the surface, has pushed gender neutrality and conformity. "We're all Marines," we were told, starting at OCS. "Woman Marines" has become as cringe-worthy as a racial slur. Uniformity, order, and discipline were drilled into us along with the core values of honor, courage and commitment. My time in the USMC was the time of the Nation's longest war. A time when I went from optimistic post-college girl, full of spit, fire and donning designer shoes, to battle-ready Marine, trained to close with and destroy the enemy through fire and maneuver.

Through OCS, TBS, Flight School, Squadron Life, and deployments I lost "Kyleanne" and found Candidate -> Lieutenant -> Captain Hunter. A rank-name construct that is gender-race-creed neutral. Necessary for order and discipline and execution of commander's intent. This is what wins wars, secures our Nation, and makes crowds ohh and ahh at the precision and lock-step of ceremonial drill.
It also has secondary effects. It allows us to think of ourselves as a collective "Marines" rather than individuals. In war, this makes it easier for us to sacrifice ourselves and our friends for a greater good, and to kill the enemy. Detachment is necessary for success. Individualism must be overlooked. Personality stymied. We become interchangeable parts in the Marine-Air-Ground-Task-Force, known for our names, rank and Military Occupation Specialty; by extension, learning not to think of ourselves or our personal wants. "Weapon-Gear-Self" is the order of precedence of care. And generally by the time self is reached, I'm too tired to think about it.

When I entered the Marine Corps, I was fully aware of the "service" component of military service. I was, however, unaware of just how much it would change my perception of self. For several years, I put on olive drab green or desert brown, and, in the name of supporting the country I love, worked to ensure that Kyleanne would be overlooked for the betterment of the Corps. Success and acceptance went hand-in-hand; to thrive, which in turn meant the MAGTF thrived and wars could be won, I blended in. I became hard when I had to be hard, and reacted on instinct and training.

It wasn't until I came to the House of Representatives as the Marine Corps Liaison that the loneliness of being overlooked in the name of honor, courage, and commitment came to weigh fully on me. The energy I had poured into ensuring I fully became "Captain, USMC" my peers had poured into creating relationships, marriages, homes and families. The hours I spent piloting a Cobra helicopter over the desert, they spent building a life to ensure comfort, love, and security in their old age. Nights I spend sitting, shivering in a conex box wondering, in the few moments of solitude I got, "what the fuck am I doing here?" they spent in lovers' arms. My 20s and early 30s - years women typically give to someone to start a foundation of life together - I gave to everyone else. As I am beginning to shed the layers of green and brown and transition into civilian life, this brings to the surface intense feeling of loneliness, fear, and overwhelming anxiety that I have missed some higher life purpose.

I do not regret one minute I spent as part of great collective that is the USMC. People have often remarked that I am a "strong, independent woman." And I am. But, in order to be so, I need to be Kyleanne. Today I found out that I was accepted to every graduate program to which I applied. In a small way, it was a sense of validation that I am still wanted and relevant as an individual. That my time as part of the collective is just a step in become more of an individual.

Last year, I was in a position to start doing things for me. It started with racing my bike. The pain I felt was mine, and mine alone, and the victories were a result of long hours of very personal suffering and dedication. On the bike, I was needed and wanted for being me. I developed a personality that became known (and maybe even loved) in the regional elite pelaton. I developed a relationship with my coach that pulled me through bouts of depression and anxiety, and life-long friendships with teammates and competitors alike. For the first time in nearly a decade, a community wanted me as much for who I was as what I could do. I was being looked over, as it were, not over looked.

Transitioning into the civilian world, I'm still not fully sure who Kyleanne is, nor who she will become. I have spent so long worrying about not being "too-Ky" that I don't know how long it will take to full separate myself from being part of an institution and openly and completely embrace the individual. The irony of my years of burying myself in order to be overlooked, is that as I enter my new life, this will cause me to constantly looked-over. There are few female attack pilots out there, and fewer still with legislative liaison experience, and exactly zero others who also race bikes. So I'm moving on, knowing full well that I am in a position to once again stand out. And am embracing this as an opportunity to probe myself and others with curiosity. And challenge the world to go ahead and look me over. Just don't be surprised when I look back.

To read more of Ky's blogs, go to: www.welcometokyland.blogspot.com.

The Sexual Is The Spiritual

Recently, I began inviting people to share their stories with me about how pole dancing has changed and shaped their lives.  The Pole Story is as much about you as it is about the culture of pole.  In fact, your stories are what create the culture of pole.
My first brave guest writer chose to write about the intersection of her spirituality and her sexuality in pole class, and the ways in which this meeting furthered her healing process.  Given the time of year, a story about the spiritual aspects of pole seemed the perfect way to kick-off a lovely new series of Pole Stories.

By AS

For some pole dancing is about the workout.  For others, it is about feeling beautiful and sexy. I go to S Factor for all of the above reasons.  But the main reason I go is for what it does for my spirit.  It makes me feel connected to myself and to the Divine.  

When I get to class, the room is dark.  I sit down on a purple mat and the world around me quiets. I close my eyes and ground into my body, letting my mind go for just a couple of hours. I feel the music coming into the room, pouring onto my skin, into my ears and I allow it to take me. I hear the teacher's voice and it guides me on a journey to connect with my heart, with the Divine. With my eyes closed I go into deep meditation. I don't let my mind rule me; I just do what feels right. It's completely magical.
In meditation the goal is to master your mind.  In class, while I’m dancing, I attain that mastery. I don't think to myself, "Ok, I'm going do a couple hip circles here and then I'm going to throw a spin." I let the music enter my body and let my body take over, allowing my mind to follow. It is a conversation between God and me. 

I have been taught that my spiritual self and my sexual self should be separate. That there is a time for your spiritual self and there is a time for your sexual self. And that the time for your sexual self should be in the privacy of your own bedroom, with your husband. In some ways this is true. There are certain things that need to be saved for you or your partner in the privacy of your own home.  However, it is also true that we are spiritual beings and we are sexual beings. In order for us to live sanely in this world we need to tell ourselves that it is ok for the spiritual and the sexual to merge. There is a common misconception that sexuality is "bad" and "dirty." In reality it is just a part of who we are. There are so many things that we do instinctually that would scientifically be classified as sexual behavior that we don't even recognize.

I have done Kundalini Yoga since I was 12 and I have been a Sikh for about the same amount of time. It has healed my soul and saved my life, but S Factor has taken my soul and my sexuality to a different level. It helped me to KNOW that it is really and truly ok to be sexy. Since I was young, people have been telling me that I am "Too Sexy." I never understood what that meant.  It always made me feel like I was doing something wrong, but I never understood what, because I didn't feel like I was "doing" anything.

I don't tell many people outside of the pole community that I take classes at S Factor because I know they won't understand. But, S Factor has changed my life. It has given me an outlet to heal myself and my sexuality on a whole other level – one I have never experienced before. Because of S Factor, I know that I am sexy and that it is 100% ok to be that way.  It is not only ok, but it's good for me. It isn't about the workout (although that is a plus), it is about the deep spiritual journey that I go on in each and every class.

As a deeply spiritual person, who lives a spiritually disciplined life, I never would have thought that S Factor would give me the "enlightenment" that I needed to continue healing myself. It takes me into my heart and allows my body to express itself the way it wants to. What I have come to realize is that my spiritual self and my sexual self are one. I have been able to merge the two in a way that I never thought possible through this movement. It has given me an outlet to release and let go of things I've been holding onto for years. It has allowed me to discover myself on a new level and showed me that who I am is beautiful and perfect.

Respect For Pole Class Please

While traditions vary among different dojos, the approach to martial arts training is generally one of respect for the space, the teacher and the practice.  This is also true of yoga studios, which frequently offer classes in exchange for seva (or service).


But, in my experience, this is not as true of pole dance studios. And personally, I think that is a shame.  Not only do I think it is a shame, I think it does a disservice to students, the teachers and to the pole industry.  Maybe I’m old-fashioned.  Maybe I take my pole dancing a little too seriously.   But I think pole dancing is not just about you – it’s about the community a studio creates.

Read more from my latest blog at Bad Kitty Exoticwear!

And don't forget to vote for my blog in the 10K Scholarship competition HERE! 
Vote for Claire!

The Pole Story Blog is up for a 10,000 Scholarship!

I'm super excited to announce that The Pole Story blog was nominated for a 10,000.00 Scholarship by CollegeScholarships.org.  But I need your help to win!!  The winner is determined by popular vote.

YOU CAN VOTE HERE FOR ME ONCE A DAY, EVERY DAY until NOVEMBER 28TH.
(Claire Griffin Sterrett)

I'm partly excited because, let's face it, Graduate School is insanely expensive.  For those of you that don't know, I'm currently pursuing a Masters in Social Work with a focus on Community Planning and Organization and a subspecialty in Military Culture at the University of Southern California.  My goal is to help veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars through somatic based therapies and through advocacy work.

Of course, The Pole Story is about women, pole dance, and politics. Which is why my secret plan is to teach pole movement to women transitioning out of the military as a way to support them through the change.

But the MAIN reason I'm excited about being a finalist in this scholarship is because it means that there is a blog on POLE DANCING that has won some mainstream academic recognition! And that is awesome for EVERYONE in our COMMUNITY! 

So please please let's show the world how strong we are as a community! 

A Vote for my blog is a Vote for the Pole World! 

photo by George Grigorian